Thinking of Shirley

We learned yesterday that Grandma Shirley passed away. For nearly twenty years, Shirley and I stayed in touch so that I could give her news of her grand-daughter.

Shirley was a simple, straightforward woman, who never understood how Lee could abandon Rachel, and mourned the lack of a closer connection with her beloved only grandchild. Aware of her love for my step-daughter, I attempted to promote their bond. Despite Peter's general indifference, he supported my efforts -- unlike his sister and mother who actively tried to prevent them. I felt that it was essential for Rachel to know everyone who loved her, so I contacted Shirley by phone about six times a year when Rach was a child, sent photos, and visited her with Rachel whenever we traveled on the East Coast.

When Rachel was about eleven, and we felt that she was able to travel alone (as an unaccompanied minor, for extra fees so that the airline took care of her while she travelled), we contacted her Aunt Patty to see if Rachel could visit her. On my side of the family, Rachel's aunts and uncles (including my siblings, their spouses, and several of my first cousins) enthusiastically encouraged and welcomed Rachel's visits, so I foolishly assumed that her biological aunt would feel the same. After all, Rachel was the only child in her family!

Despite the effort and expense of a cross-country flight, Patty was willing to take Rachel for only two days, puzzling me and insulting Peter. I prevailed on him to ask for one extra day with Patty because I wanted Patty to take Rach to stay with Shirley for three or four days. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that Patty would refuse. Peter's mother got involved in our plans, supporting Patty's refusal. She asserted that there was no reason or need for Rachel to visit Shirley. Although I didn't engage in the discussions with Peter's sister, I did try to convince Peter's mom. I asked her how she would feel if the situation were reversed -- if Lee had custody and saw no reason for her to maintain a relationship with her only grandchild. Lack of empathy, and poor judgment about Rachel's best interests, were the only substantive responses from either Patty or Nanny. Peter's negotiations with his twin sister became more heated, and Patty finally agreed to relent if we would release her from any liability! She sent a legal document that Peter had to sign in front of a notary, and then reluctantly agreed to our wishes that she take Rachel to Shirley. Living in Park Slope, Brooklyn, Patty was inconvenienced having to deliver Rachel to and from the Grand Street projects in lower Manhattan, where Shirley lived.

Rachel enjoyed a loving and memorable visit with Grandma Shirley.

An earlier visit with Grandma Shirley, when Rachel was three years old.

We never again asked Patty to host a visit from Rachel once it was clear that she didn't want to be bothered. On subsequent visits to NY, we didn't even contact Patty. Peter already held bitter feelings about his sister's inhospitable behavior from an earlier one night visit.

Naively, I continued to assume that my daughter's only biological aunt would behave in a warm, familial manner concerning her niece. But that behavior didn't begin until the end of Rachel's high school years, when Patty began to pay attention and pretend to care for Rachel for the purpose of eliminating me from Rachel's life. Based on their attitude about Shirley, I should have foreseen that Patty and Nanny would try to claim Rachel and remove me as soon as she was grown. I had served my purpose as caretaker. Neither love for Rachel, nor concern for her emotional fragility could stop them. They still work to undermine our family, even with Nanny's dementia.

Of course, I have been hurt by their destructive, narcissistic actions. But the true, profoundly unfortunate victim has been Rachel. It is widely known that encouraging parental alienation damages the children involved, but our situation was exacerbated because our child had been abandoned by her birth mother (then later, at age nine, by Peter's mom when she abruptly moved away over an imagined insult from Rachel). It took years of loving work with Rachel to help her to develop emotional trust. This was viciously destroyed by Patty and Nanny in their misguided, self-glorifying attempts to "save" Rachel from the harm that they tried to convince her that I wished to inflict. Such a pity for all involved.

This was never the case with Grandma Shirley. She always expressed her heartfelt gratitude that I had stepped in to care for Rachel. She gave me little presents with thank-you notes, and entrusted me with gifts for Rachel, including a garter she'd saved from her bridal business that is for Rachel's wedding. It will be a joyful tribute to Shirley when Rachel wears it at her nuptials. Shirley will always remain in our memories as the kind and loving Grandmother that she was, and she will be specially honored on the future day that Rachel is married.

Rest in peace, Shirley.