Today’s Thought

 

Not Forgiving, Part 2

Since my adopted daughter's reactive attachment disorder was rekindled in late 2002, provoked and reinforced by an extended campaign of insidious and malignant undermining by my toxic in-laws ("Aunt Patty" Grossman, "Nanny" Carol Z. Klein, and Helene Kendler), I continue to explore spiritual and psychological remedies to mitigate the resulting trauma. Alas, there really are none. Rachel's early patterns of compulsive lying to attract attention and elicit sympathy were reignited, and have blossomed with new force. Today, at age 28, those tendencies are reinforced by more sophisticated techniques and high drama that she's developed as an accomplished, intelligent and informed adult.

Presently, I'm reading Forgiving and Not Forgiving, by Jeanne Safer, Ph.D. Last night, about half way through the book, I read and highlighted this paragraph:

To be reunited with the one who has betrayed your trust, to hear a heartfelt confession and embrace again, is the longed-for culmination of forgiveness. This ideal reflects the fundamental human desire for attachment, vindication, and catharsis -- for evidence that at least sometimes virtue is rewarded and people see the light.

Then, today's article in The Atlantic underscored and illuminated poor Rachel's situation. I feel so sorry that I wasn't able to overcome her early neglect sufficiently to prevent her regression. Our close friend Bill Schuyler was the psychologist for Rachel's school district. He knew Rachel well, and assured me that I had entered her life early enough (at 18 months) to enable her emotional, interpersonal, and attachment abilities to develop. Unfortunately, though, her fragile self-esteem and psyche suffered collateral damage as a result of the in-laws' crusade. I certainly hope that at least that tragic consequence was unintended.

Admittedly, I've come to embrace the cynical adage that no good deed goes unpunished. I have no expectation that Rachel will ever confess to her lies and troublemaking. The double whammy (of reactive attachment disorder plus parental alienation) is pretty darn powerful. Comfortable in her familiar, highly dramatic, sympathy-seeking persona, I suspect that she'll continue her established patterns of avoidance and denial coupled with episodic meltdowns, and that her struggles to find happiness in herself or in a relationship will persist.

I still hope that I'll be proven wrong, but I've accepted that my role, which allowed her not only to survive but to thrive, has terminated. Unfortunately, the "thriving" part was jettisoned when Patty and Nanny established their alienation efforts. Fortunately, Rachel has adapted admirably, so she will survive, albeit without the comfort of interpersonal trust and attachment.

There is an undercurrent of permanent sadness that I expect to carry for the rest of my life. I overcome it through the fulfilling relationships that I experience daily with exceptional friends around the globe. Forgiveness? It's probably not in the cards.

Not Forgiving

Against all common advice and "spiritual wisdom," I've reached this conclusion:

When someone's actions are genuinely offensive and immoral, and the perpetrator neither shows remorse nor makes any effort to change, not forgiving is a moral and honest choice -- especially if hurt and anger are no longer present.

The Eusocial Caste

"Eusociality, where some individuals reduce their own reproductive potential to raise others' offspring, is what underpins the most advanced form of social organization and the dominance of social insects and humans." 
  --   E. O. Wilson

This statement is from an article that Rachel linked in her profile. I was fascinated by the sentence; it offered me a surprising perspective. It was not the point of the article, but since I read everything from Rachel with attention to detail, I saw relevance in this sentence. The article, separately from all this, was also relevant. It discussed the social evolution of altruism.

But it was the quote from E. O. Wilson that struck me. As a young woman, I reduced my reproductive potential by choice (to help save the planet). I found another's offspring in peril, and I raised her in challenging circumstances, with love, hands on care and healing, and lots of hard work. What I just read informs me that I'm highly evolved!

I guess I already knew that.

In a couple months, Peter and I will be very social in the EU! ;-)

Reflecting

It's June -- where has the year gone?

I will continue to listen to my inner wisdom. I will continue to identify mistakes I have made. I will continue to learn and grow. I will increase my physical strength and agility, made easier because I now have almost perfect vision for the first time in my life! I will apply the advice that I used to give Rachel (perhaps too often), "we become what we practice," and will play bridge more often and with greater attention.

note: this photo of Puki at the edge of our pool was taken in March by my friend Sheri Kowalski. Seems like only yesterday ... ;-)

What I'm working on this week

Thanks to Ron Brezsny, I am determined to cultivate a desire to recognize and respond to the raw truth of each new moment.

My Newest Tool: a Percussor from Erchonia

Last month, I tore a ligament in my left ankle while Peter and I were in Monaco and Cap-Martin. Although I followed the RICE protocol each evening, I continued to walk each day for the next three weeks as we worked, played and explored in France and London, then in Philadelphia and El Granada, California. While there, Leslie arranged for me to see her incredible chiropractor, Dr. Derry Sontag -- and during treatment he used a tool called a percussor, along with several other effective tools, including a variable adjuster/activator.

The percussor had an immediate, beneficial effect -- not only helping my ankle and foot, but breaking up adhesions around my right shoulder that have plagued me for the past nine years. My body was entirely alert during treatment, and fully aware of the "unwinding" effect of systemic myofascial release. I made an appointment to see Dr. Sontag again the next day, and received more treatments, plus the information that I was eager to learn about the device. He told me that it is important to buy a percussor from Erchonia; that most other percussors on the market are poor imitators. A percussor acts like a well modulated jackhammer as it eases chronic pain that is caused by fascial restrictions and scar tissue. Fascia is the thin layer of connective tissue that covers and supports the muscles and inner organs of the body. When fascia fixates or knots up, motion is restricted and pain often results. The percussor works with the body's fascia, freeing fixations -- much as a jackhammer breaks up concrete. The percussor is not a vibrator; it is far more effective. Dr. Sontag told me that 30 seconds to 3 minutes of therapy with a percussor produces results that require 3 or 4 hours of myofascial release or other therapeutic massage. Unlike a jackhammer, the percussor is quiet despite its power. Its smooth force allows the freeing of both the connective tissue and the deep fascia.

I've had my percussor for a week now, and have carefully used it, after watching the "training dvd" and reading its manual. I also consulted with my chiropractor brother, who advised me to use it everywhere except C0, C1, and the skull until I've taken a class on those specific uses -- and obviously to avoid contraindicated uses.

Dr. Alan Creed, an advocate of a similar product, says that the percussor "is used for soft tissue and organ stimulation, as well as for setting proprioceptive beds that allow for greater motion."

Peter hasn't noticed his usual back pain since a few minutes each day with the percussor. I've eased Diana's hip pain, and Caroline's shoulder pain / lower back pain. Emily's plantar fasciitis, and rotator cuff pain have diminished. I'm eager to learn more, but haven't been able to find much information. Tonight, I downloaded every article I can find, and also found a blogger who uses a percussor -- plus she is interested in labyrinths, as am I. And she almost looks like me!

p.s. Indirectly related to the percussor, I found a well done interactive page that illustrates the spine. Click on a vertebra, and you'll see which organs receive their nerve supply from it and the nerves dispersed through it.