Today’s Thought

 

Thirty-five

On this day in 1987, we celebrated Rachel’s second birthday. Several months earlier, I had made a commitment to transform my life and responsibilities so that I could help Peter take care of her.

I was 35 years old that year. I embarked on an unforeseen detour in my life so that I could try to save an abandoned and neglected little girl.

Now it’s too late to second guess that unfortunate decision. I saved Rachel, only to be abused, betrayed, and derided for it.

I'm grateful that I was able to take responsibility for raising Rachel, suffer through her malignant mendacity, survive that devastating experience, and rebuild a good and loving life.

Decluttering

As I once again revisit the emotional detritus of the past fifteen years, I've made a commitment to myself to publish many more documents and emails between Patty Grossman and her friends, her mother (Carol Z. Klein), and her niece -- my adopted daughter -- Rachel.

My previous post is the beginning of this renewed effort to declutter on to the world wide web, where it will remain in perpetuity (or close enough). Some of the materials will be posted on other blogs or websites, but eventually I'll make a comprehensive index to all of it -- and I will consider my emotional decluttering complete!

In the past few years, I’ve added a dear friend to my life. Kim and I have traveled together successfully, and shared a variety of personal and social times together. During one visit to Honolulu, Kim learned my story of what happened with Rachel. Kim, a field social worker and educator, looked at me and said “you are suffering from PTSD.” I hadn't thought of that, but it made sense. My emotional being has suffered tremendously, with some scarring that is permanent.

Tonight I read this blog post. It’s not 100% applicable to me, but I could easily modify it so that it tells my specific story:

HOW AN ADOPTIVE MOM BECOMES THE NURTURING ENEMY

(similar sites here and here)

In fact, I intend to modify it to reflect what happened in our family. Then I will share my version with the original authors.

Last year, our friend Greg suggested that I might be happier if I destroy all the evidence I collected for seven years, evidence that unambiguously documents precisely how evil and ill-intended Patty Grossman's actions and intentions were (and undoubtedly, still are). My response to him, with which he concurred, was that if I destroy the emails and other evidence nobody would believe me. How could anyone behave so abysmally, intent on destroying family? It’s inconceivable to my friends and family, and to all well-intended people!

For two nights, I haven’t slept well, and last night I sat up, turned on lights, and wrote down these words. Now, I know what to do.

Typical Aunt Patty

From: Kitty M

To: Patty Grossman
Subject:    Re: Hiya
Date:    Nov 25, 2005 12:41 PM


on 11/25/05 12:39 PM, Patricia Grossman wrote:
>
> Pretty rough over this way. Exhausting day, mostly emotionally. H's family
> and their guests were fun for us, but of course not easy for poor
> Rachel who didn't know anyone. She was polite but also fell glum. A little
> better behavior would've been appreciated, but I think it was really rough for her
> and hopefully everyone cut her slack. She started crying on the train on the way
> there and I finally got it out of her that she was afraid to have a family and
> that her mother would turn her children against her.
>
> Then when we got home and went over some old family pictures it got
> worse.  Lots of crying and professions of utter despair and Helene and I did
> the best we could to help her balance between the bleak reality of her family
> situation and giving her honest hopes for her future. The whole time she was
> clinging to a picture of her dad holding her as a baby. She so loves him and
> told us she likes it when he teases her and calls her "asswipe" (As in don't
> be an asswipe), because then he's treating her as an equal and showing his
> brand of affection. She had no idea there was anything insufficient about
> this. (I didn't take too heavy an approach of telling her it was hardly ideal because
> if I totally undermine his ultra-pathetic - to put it mildly - means of relating to
> her she will have zero.) And of course she railed about Carol and her fear of the
> "the next attack." And how obsessed Carol is by me and what vile things she
> says. (I didn't ask what, natch.) She can't go home for Xmas because she
> doesn't want to risk it.

Oh this all sounds so sad!  That poor girl.  Carol just sounds like a
monster--she is so cruel to be doing this to Rachel.  That took real self
control not to ask what was said about you.  And of course it doesn't
matter. The source is poisoned beyond repair. Where will she go for Xmas?
>
> Helene and I went to bed exhausted and heartbroken.

Of course you were...How could you not be? How are things today? What did
you do, either with or without her?
>
> That's the perky news from this end. Surely yours is better! Thank
> you for your cyber-ear.

ANY time...

xoxoxoxox
>
> xxo
>
>>
>>

Patty: even more odious than she appears to be!

From: KM
To: Patty Grossman
Subject:    Re: Hiya
Date:    Nov 25, 2005 4:23 PM


on 11/25/05 8:48 PM, Patricia Grossman wrote:
>
> She says she just wants to work in Ann Arbor and make money for Xmas. I told her
> she should go down to N.C. and see my mother for a couple of days and
> that H. and I would be there right after Xmas. But hopefully she'll
> end up going home with one of her friends.

That might be best.  Will your brother wonder why she isn't coming home?

> This morning I went over her short story with her (she has to keep working on
> it to get into a creative writing "sub. con." (sub concentration). Her writing
> has an occasional spark, but mostly is just awful-all of it. I was encouraging but I keep
> telling her not to think of it as a living.  Then I let her go out and explore Manhattan
> on her own, armed with directions and a map. That worked out pretty well.
> When she came back H. and I took her to Tempo. (I thought of calling you to
> see if you'd drop by, but figured you'd be busy.)

That sounds nice. I probably would have come by.

> She told us Peter is no longer speaking to Greg, his best friend of many years. I said
> I wasn't that surprised. (He's a lawyer and when Peter and Carol were breaking up
> they were trying to get him to broker the financial arrangement--how stupid is
> THAT?) So then she said if he got rid of Greg and of me, it was just a matter of time
> before he got rid of her.
>
> I told her it would never happen, she was the only thing he was really proud
> of. But how do I know? If only she knew how not worth the effort he is. . . .

This just gets sadder and sadder.  Does he talk to her about you?  (Apart
from Carol's venom that is)  I so understand her worries about that. And as
not worth it as he is, he's still her father and that bond is hard to
shatter. Believe me, I'm one who knows all about continuing to love an
unworthy parent.

>
> She's leaving mid-day tomorrow. I'm embarrassed to admit what a relief that will be.
>
xoxoxo
>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>
>>


From: KM
To: Patty Grossman
Subject:    Re: Hiya
Date:    Nov 26, 2005 3:40 AM

on 11/25/05 11:17 PM, Patricia Grossman wrote:


> If he does, he's even more out of his mind than I thought.

But still, doesn't he miss her, want to see her?

This just gets sadder and sadder.  Does he talk to her about you?

>No, I haven't talked to him in over two years, remember?

Of course I remember. I just wondered if he—apart from Carol—ever
spoke about you Rachel.
> I know, I know, but for the few minutes I was writing this I forgot!! What
> a narcissistic asshole! I'm sorry.

You are not a narcissistic asshole and never will be.  :-)  I know you
didn't forget, it's just that you are so—understandably—worried about
her, about the effect his rejection will ultimately have.

> I can't help but hope it doesn't turn out the same way--especially because she essentially
> has no mother. So she might not turn out as well as you did.

But she had you and Helene.  And it seems that given all that's
happened, she's turning out pretty well, don't you think?

[I must interject here to reflect the irony that Patty and Helene were never part of Rachel’s life until she was seventeen years old. Before that, Helene spent no more than ten days (over seventeen years) with Rachel, and Patty spent no more than twenty days with Rachel -- over the course of seventeen years! There is one and only one person who can be given credit for how “she’s turning out pretty well, don’t you think?” That person is me.]

> xoxoxo

xoxoxo

Estranged & Broken Relationships

Is there a resolution for estranged and broken relationships?

Since late 2002, with a few breaks, I’ve lived with “invisible grief,” disenfranchised from conducting a normal family life. By “normal family life,” I do not mean an idealized life, just the usual up and down but decent family life.

It is difficult to explain my consuming and pervasive inner grief to friends, who’ve often met Rachel and gained a negative impression, and who assume that I can’t possibly love her as much as a biological mother could love her child. Peter is unable to discuss it at all; he will not involve himself. He and I have an agreement that Rachel is not mentioned between us. So I don’t share my grief. It has muted with time, as though Rachel died. I know that I will never have a relationship with her again.

Sadly, the daughter I raised with love and respect turned against me, and is unable to control the attention-seeking lies that she concocted with her Aunt Patty Grossman's encouragement and direct suggestions. Poor Rachel continues to embellish and share her stories. A victim of reactive attachment disorder, Rachel has been a compulsive liar since early childhood. She and I worked (with behind the scenes help from my therapist) to overcome the lying (and other RAD behaviors), but the “alienation-causing intervention” by Aunt Patty when Rachel was around age 17 explosively ignited all of Rachel’s early neglect, abandonment, and attachment issues.

I also can understand how easily, with such encouragement and actual suggestions from Aunt Patty, Rachel aimed her long-buried, pre-verbal rage at the only mother she knew.

Without hesitation, I can assert that Rachel and I developed a fully functional “heart-to-heart” connection that grew consistently from the time I appeared regularly in her life, when she was 18 months old, until the time I became her step-mother when she was 2 years 9 months old, and then far more solidly and securely from that point until her late teens. Rachel and I experienced predictable ups and downs during those teen years, and she long resented that I sent her to boarding school for grades 9 through 12 (once at university, though, she thanked me for it). During times of trouble, when she misbehaved, I made clear that I was angry about behavior, but that I would always love her no matter what. Despite the paucity of information about RAD until the late 1990s, my therapist did instill in me the importance of reminding Rachel that no matter how much she pushed me away I would never leave her, and that I always will love her no matter what.

I adopted Rachel shortly after she turned eighteen, as it hadn't been possible before then. Peter and Rachel had planned the adoption as a surprise Christmas gift for me, but Peter discovered that I was required to initiate the adult adoption. Concurrently, coinciding with Rachel’s eighteenth birthday, Peter’s family had escalated their alienation efforts with sharp focus against me. I will never understand why, because the person hurt even more than I is Rachel. The Grossman family is destroyed. Patty Grossman, her partner Helene Kendler, and Peter's mother Carol Z. Klein formed an alliance to separate me from Rachel and Peter. It didn't work with Peter, but poor Rachel is now saddled not only with reactive attachment disorder but also parental alienation from the one person who literally saved her. Perhaps it provides the makings of a new novel for Patty. Otherwise, I can't fathom the rationale. No matter what — even if I actually had been the monster they created in order to scare Rachel away — this isn't appropriate family interaction.  Parental Alienation is wrong. Normal family members would find loving ways to help a child deal with a monster parent.

I continue to “move on,” find joy, create loving bonds and enjoyable experiences, but I have lost my daughter. That grief is imbued in me.

Lesson for Aunt Patty

Your efforts succeeded to some degree. Everyone is hurt; primarily your only niece. Enjoy your moments of schadenfreude.

But love is not lost.

a little saffron finch told me ...

Mean Spirited

Sorting through old photos, I found one in which this art by Patty Grossman is hanging on a wall. This abstract work hung in our homes in California along with a quadriptych that Patty gave to Rachel. I haven't spotted that grouping of quasi-psychedelic, playful quadrants in any photos yet, but will add an image of it to this post if I do.

I valued the works; Peter's sister had produced them and given them to us (well, actually, this one to Peter and the quadriptych to Rachel ... but that constituted "us" in my mind). The colors factored into home decorating schemes, so that the paintings could be on display, and I pointed them out to visitors as works by Rachel's aunt -- just as I occasionally reminded Rachel that I truly admired Patty's efforts to make it as an artist and writer in New York City. 

Yesterday, when I spotted this painting in the background of a photo, I reacted viscerally as I relived an oddly enjoyable experience. In 2004, when I was packing up our San Carlos house before moving to Hawaii, I tried to give the paintings to Rachel. She had no interest. As a collector, I couldn't fathom it, especially since they were gifts from the artist, who also happened to be Rachel's only biological aunt. I asked if she wanted us to save them for her. She had no interest. Peter had already made clear that he didn't want them moved to Hawaii; he'd never cared for them, and any need for pretense on his part no longer existed.

A year and a half earlier, by late 2002, our family relations had been strained by Patty's insidious and overt attempts to alienate Rachel from her parents, particularly me. And just  a year earlier, on the 24th of July in 2003, our family was nearly shattered by the escalation of her alienation efforts. I thought about her direct words, her insinuations, and her actual plots with respect to Rachel.

While contemplating, I removed each painting from its frame. Each work used thick paper that was imbued with layers of chalk, ink, paint, perhaps other media -- adding surprising weight to each piece. I considered each for a bit as the pastels rubbed off onto my hands, and wondered at the evil twin who continues to struggle to create art. I spoke aloud, as when I "clear" a space, deleting Patty from our family and banishing her destructive energies. Then, one at a time, I methodically tore each of the five works into 2 inch wide strips and added them to the trash.

After washing my hands, I returned to the room with burning sage to smudge (clear) Patty's negative energies.

Normally, the idea of desecrating or destroying somebody's work of art would be horrifying and unthinkable to me.

However, in this case, it was and is a most gratifying expression of how I feel about Peter's sister. It is even more satisfying to discover a reminder of a forgotten moment serendipitously, to recall that solemn and tactile experience, and to write about it publicly!

 

The Upshot

My family was emotionally sabotaged by Peter's mother and sister; their antagonistic words and actions persisted for many years after Peter asked them to stop. Despite claims of innocence, they continued to vigorously pursue their insidious efforts to alienate our daughter. So when I saw this "no fatties allowed" image today, you can imagine what I thought I saw! I modified it to reflect how I really feel:

Peter's mother is failing, and it is unfortunate that the family is broken. We're all sad that there is no apparent resolution to the problem. But it was her choice, and her actions that led the effort to cast me out. Neither Patty, nor Carol, feels any remorse. They can't conceive that they've acted horrendously to hurt our family as they have. There is no possibility of actualized love in either of those creatures (monsters). Normally, I would pity them, but they are unworthy of sympathy or mercy, and beneath contempt.

Thinking of Shirley

We learned yesterday that Grandma Shirley passed away. For nearly twenty years, Shirley and I stayed in touch so that I could give her news of her grand-daughter.

Shirley was a simple, straightforward woman, who never understood how Lee could abandon Rachel, and mourned the lack of a closer connection with her beloved only grandchild. Aware of her love for my step-daughter, I attempted to promote their bond. Despite Peter's general indifference, he supported my efforts -- unlike his sister and mother who actively tried to prevent them. I felt that it was essential for Rachel to know everyone who loved her, so I contacted Shirley by phone about six times a year when Rach was a child, sent photos, and visited her with Rachel whenever we traveled on the East Coast.

When Rachel was about eleven, and we felt that she was able to travel alone (as an unaccompanied minor, for extra fees so that the airline took care of her while she travelled), we contacted her Aunt Patty to see if Rachel could visit her. On my side of the family, Rachel's aunts and uncles (including my siblings, their spouses, and several of my first cousins) enthusiastically encouraged and welcomed Rachel's visits, so I foolishly assumed that her biological aunt would feel the same. After all, Rachel was the only child in her family!

Despite the effort and expense of a cross-country flight, Patty was willing to take Rachel for only two days, puzzling me and insulting Peter. I prevailed on him to ask for one extra day with Patty because I wanted Patty to take Rach to stay with Shirley for three or four days. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that Patty would refuse. Peter's mother got involved in our plans, supporting Patty's refusal. She asserted that there was no reason or need for Rachel to visit Shirley. Although I didn't engage in the discussions with Peter's sister, I did try to convince Peter's mom. I asked her how she would feel if the situation were reversed -- if Lee had custody and saw no reason for her to maintain a relationship with her only grandchild. Lack of empathy, and poor judgment about Rachel's best interests, were the only substantive responses from either Patty or Nanny. Peter's negotiations with his twin sister became more heated, and Patty finally agreed to relent if we would release her from any liability! She sent a legal document that Peter had to sign in front of a notary, and then reluctantly agreed to our wishes that she take Rachel to Shirley. Living in Park Slope, Brooklyn, Patty was inconvenienced having to deliver Rachel to and from the Grand Street projects in lower Manhattan, where Shirley lived.

Rachel enjoyed a loving and memorable visit with Grandma Shirley.

An earlier visit with Grandma Shirley, when Rachel was three years old.

We never again asked Patty to host a visit from Rachel once it was clear that she didn't want to be bothered. On subsequent visits to NY, we didn't even contact Patty. Peter already held bitter feelings about his sister's inhospitable behavior from an earlier one night visit.

Naively, I continued to assume that my daughter's only biological aunt would behave in a warm, familial manner concerning her niece. But that behavior didn't begin until the end of Rachel's high school years, when Patty began to pay attention and pretend to care for Rachel for the purpose of eliminating me from Rachel's life. Based on their attitude about Shirley, I should have foreseen that Patty and Nanny would try to claim Rachel and remove me as soon as she was grown. I had served my purpose as caretaker. Neither love for Rachel, nor concern for her emotional fragility could stop them. They still work to undermine our family, even with Nanny's dementia.

Of course, I have been hurt by their destructive, narcissistic actions. But the true, profoundly unfortunate victim has been Rachel. It is widely known that encouraging parental alienation damages the children involved, but our situation was exacerbated because our child had been abandoned by her birth mother (then later, at age nine, by Peter's mom when she abruptly moved away over an imagined insult from Rachel). It took years of loving work with Rachel to help her to develop emotional trust. This was viciously destroyed by Patty and Nanny in their misguided, self-glorifying attempts to "save" Rachel from the harm that they tried to convince her that I wished to inflict. Such a pity for all involved.

This was never the case with Grandma Shirley. She always expressed her heartfelt gratitude that I had stepped in to care for Rachel. She gave me little presents with thank-you notes, and entrusted me with gifts for Rachel, including a garter she'd saved from her bridal business that is for Rachel's wedding. It will be a joyful tribute to Shirley when Rachel wears it at her nuptials. Shirley will always remain in our memories as the kind and loving Grandmother that she was, and she will be specially honored on the future day that Rachel is married.

Rest in peace, Shirley.

Seven Year Cycle

Various theories in several disciplines -- from scientific to esoteric -- subscribe to a view that our bodies and our "life experiences" undergo radical change every seven years.

Although I have not studied seven year patterns in my own life prior to this, I know that a devastating seven year cycle has come to an end. Hallelujah! There's actual joy and reason to celebrate this holiday season. The winter solstice promises a red full moon as part of tonight's lunar eclipse -- a significant and beneficial omen.

Hatred and divisiveness that were promulgated by Peter's sister and mother are part of a different universe now, never more to hurt our family. Nothing that they can do or say will affect us.

Peter, Rachel, and I have shared the transcripts of the past seven years, have reached a common understanding, and have renewed our family bond.

It's unfortunate that the malignant narcissists had to be jettisoned -- but they brought their fates upon themselves. Fortunately, I've made some of the finest friends of my life during the past seven years -- including Sheri, whose path crossed mine in 2006, and with whom I'll be connected always. As well, Peter and I have developed new "family" in Hawaii, and these cherished friends provide a true, loving ohana that enriches our lives more than Carol Klein or Patty Grossman ever could have done.

Here is a snap of Sheri, Rachel, and me at breakfast the morning after the Rally to Restore Sanity:

Today is Parental Alienation Awareness Day

Many countries, including the United States (and, individually, many of its states), are working to raise awareness of, and to prevent, parental alienation syndrome. They've designated April 25 as the annual day to educate ourselves to prevent this destructive behavior that some adults** choose to perpetrate against children.

Check out A Family's Heartbreak to learn more.

** I know of two; they are identified in earlier posts. Here's the most hateful of the two.

Narcissists

All narcissists have attachment problems. Narcissists are unable to parent in the loving, giving, selfless ways that are required to produce emotionally healthy children. Many adult children of narcissists find themselves unable to build healthy attachments, so the problem perpetuates. Narcissists always resent attachment when they encounter it; predictably, they attempt to weaken securely attached relationships that they observe between people close to them.

Ever unable to accept responsibility for problems they cause, narcissists invariably deflect blame to others -- repeatedly accusing them of anything that might stick, e.g., mental illness or projection.

This happens even when narcissists are presented with irrefutable evidence of their misdeeds. In narcissism, denial is an integral means to escape personal responsibility. Two recurring activities and attributes of this destructive and remorseless personality type predominate: schadenfreude and self-righteous denigration of others.

It's virtually impossible for narcissists to admit accountability for mistakes or ill-intended activities. Never expect an honest resolution to problems or issues with narcissists.

Craziness ricochets when dealing with narcissists -- that's how they're able to function. Sometimes it's called projective identification.

note: this post is dedicated to the malignant narcissists who attempted to destroy our family: Patty Grossman and Carol Z. Klein.

Parental Alienation is Child Abuse

Parental Alienation is the most insidious form of child abuse

Parental Alienation is the name for a group of behaviors that damage children's mental and emotional well-being, and can interfere with a relationship of a child and either parent. These behaviors most often accompany high conflict marriages, separation or divorce.

These behaviors whether verbal or non-verbal, cause a child to be mentally manipulated or bullied into believing that a loving parent is the cause of all problems, and/or the enemy, to be feared, hated, disrespected and/or avoided.

Parental alienation deprives children of their right to be loved by and to show love for both of their parents. These destructive actions by the alienator (usually parent or relative) are considered a form of child abuse - as the alienating tactics used on the children are disturbing, confusing and often frightening, and rob children of their sense of security and safety. Parental alienation is manipulative and destructive, and ends up hurting and damaging the child.

Effects of parental alienation:

- - The alienated child is likely to exhibit symptoms which include anxiety, phobias, and social and educational difficulties. As adults, alienated children experience excessive guilt, sadness and depression as they begin to understand what they have lost, and how they have been used as weapons against the other parent.
- - The adult alienated child will recognize that his/her perceptions were molded by manipulative or self-interested person(s). Such manipulation causes these adult children to lose confidence in ability to trust others, and contributes to feelings of self loathing.
- - For the alienated parent, and the wider family, the effects of PA are worse than losing a child through death, and have been likened to a bereavement without an end. Every day is a new loss. Experiences, once lovingly shared, can never be retrieved. The parent is given a life sentence of overwhelming sadness. The family is ruptured.

How to identify an alienated child :

He or she has experienced the deterioration or loss of a parental relationship during, or after, a parental crisis or split. The child now professes a strong preference for one parent, while expressing blame, disrespect, dislike, contempt and hatred towards the other -- and often towards members of the other's extended family.

The reasons for these strong feelings are often illogical and frivolous, and often include false accusations. The child is adamant that the feelings he/she expresses are his or her own, while using exact phrases or vocabulary that were learned from his/her alienating parent or relatives.

Considering the profound symptoms of reactive attachment disorder (RAD) in some situations, parental alienation is a cruel sentence to impose on an already troubled, but innocent child. Children with attachment issues are prone to accept and act on alienating suggestions, and to exaggerate their anger and blaming. Typical RAD behavior predicts that victims will continue to embellish and worsen false accusations against the parent they have been encouraged to reject -- these false accusations cascade incredibly into "fish stories" that take on lives of their own.

Dean Ramsden says it this way, "Speaking for all of the victims out there (myself included) I ask for your deep compassion for the loss of our children, and to please help where you can in awakening society to the reality of this crime against human connection. Life, our parents, and all our relationships, are too important to be ground underfoot by the denial of the effects of parental alienation."

Encouraging parental alienation is the ultimate hate crime.

This post is dedicated to those who attempted to destroy our nuclear family: Patty Grossman, trained and abetted by Carol Klein. Both operated with Helene Kendler's irresponsibly unprofessional approbation.