All Humans Suffer

This post has been in draft form since July 8, 2005...

ORIGINAL:

Although Rachel might love me, she doesn’t like me. She doesn’t respect me. If I encounter people in my life who don’t like me or respect me, I may continue to love them, but I minimize activities such as contacting them, caring for them, helping them, or even thinking about them much. Today — July 8, 2005 — I will try to begin to do the same with respect to Rachel: to let go of my deepest bonds of love and concern for her. She doesn’t want to love me or be close to me.

Here are words that Rachel uses to describe me:

- unstable
- mean
- scary
- evil
- psychopath

- borderline
- manipulative
- selfish
- bitch

These loaded words are used carelessly, and accompany the lies Rachel tells to propagate her story, which begins: “Hello, I’m Rachel Grossman, and I hate my mother.” By doing this, she will please her paternal aunt and grandmother, and continue to operate in her psychological comfort zone (where she’s been trained to be part of a triangle of uncomfortable family relations, in which nearly all praise and attention was earned when she dishonored me — her mother, the one who provided consistent love, attention, care, and protection — the only one who always put Rachel first). No wonder she’s so negative, self-sabotaging, and depressed!

I’m not sure why I demean myself in response to Rachel’s treatment of me, but I don’t want to do it any more. All of my friends, including those most fond of Rachel, have advised me to stop doing anything for her, and to stop “sucking her ass.”

(perhaps these quotations are enlightening:

“The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.”
- Honore De Balzac, 1799-1850, French Novelist

“A mother who is really a mother is never free.”
- Honore De Balzac, 1799-1850, French Novelist)

UPDATE:

Reading this draft today, nineteen years later, I now exist on a plateau of detachment, nearly indifference. I do not think about Rachel very often (today is rare, and triggered by reports of someone reading nearly every post in this blog).

To my knowledge, Rachel continues to fortify her mendacious stories. I doubt that she is able to work out her own attachment issues — issues that will continue to plague her throughout her life, and will harm any and every one of her relationships. She has rewritten history (and amplified her rewrites with each retelling) such that her distorted and false memories of very specific situations and conditions are seared into her persona. The fundamental reasons for her feelings and behaviors continue to be unrecognized. Rachel has buried her early trauma — of neglect and subsequent abandonment by her birth mother — under a mendacious mountain of fallacious tales about me. From around age 18, new personality patterns emerged that were instigated and fueled by her Aunt Patty, and Rachel began reacting to discomfort with hysteria, disproportional anger, and irrational accusations. Before that time such reactions never occurred, but Patty’s and Nanny’s alienation efforts reignited the reactive attachment disorder that I had worked diligently with her to overcome. 

As Rachel approaches her fourth decade, her “mother issues” continue to be easily triggered. It is sad that she cannot recognize — and has never come to terms with — their actual source.

I have accepted that this will never change.

Today’s Thought

 

Not Forgiving, Part 2

Since my adopted daughter's reactive attachment disorder was rekindled in late 2002, provoked and reinforced by an extended campaign of insidious and malignant undermining by my toxic in-laws ("Aunt Patty" Grossman, "Nanny" Carol Z. Klein, and Helene Kendler), I continue to explore spiritual and psychological remedies to mitigate the resulting trauma. Alas, there really are none. Rachel's early patterns of compulsive lying to attract attention and elicit sympathy were reignited, and have blossomed with new force. Today, at age 28, those tendencies are reinforced by more sophisticated techniques and high drama that she's developed as an accomplished, intelligent and informed adult.

Presently, I'm reading Forgiving and Not Forgiving, by Jeanne Safer, Ph.D. Last night, about half way through the book, I read and highlighted this paragraph:

To be reunited with the one who has betrayed your trust, to hear a heartfelt confession and embrace again, is the longed-for culmination of forgiveness. This ideal reflects the fundamental human desire for attachment, vindication, and catharsis -- for evidence that at least sometimes virtue is rewarded and people see the light.

Then, today's article in The Atlantic underscored and illuminated poor Rachel's situation. I feel so sorry that I wasn't able to overcome her early neglect sufficiently to prevent her regression. Our close friend Bill Schuyler was the psychologist for Rachel's school district. He knew Rachel well, and assured me that I had entered her life early enough (at 18 months) to enable her emotional, interpersonal, and attachment abilities to develop. Unfortunately, though, her fragile self-esteem and psyche suffered collateral damage as a result of the in-laws' crusade. I certainly hope that at least that tragic consequence was unintended.

Admittedly, I've come to embrace the cynical adage that no good deed goes unpunished. I have no expectation that Rachel will ever confess to her lies and troublemaking. The double whammy (of reactive attachment disorder plus parental alienation) is pretty darn powerful. Comfortable in her familiar, highly dramatic, sympathy-seeking persona, I suspect that she'll continue her established patterns of avoidance and denial coupled with episodic meltdowns, and that her struggles to find happiness in herself or in a relationship will persist.

I still hope that I'll be proven wrong, but I've accepted that my role, which allowed her not only to survive but to thrive, has terminated. Unfortunately, the "thriving" part was jettisoned when Patty and Nanny established their alienation efforts. Fortunately, Rachel has adapted admirably, so she will survive, albeit without the comfort of interpersonal trust and attachment.

There is an undercurrent of permanent sadness that I expect to carry for the rest of my life. I overcome it through the fulfilling relationships that I experience daily with exceptional friends around the globe. Forgiveness? It's probably not in the cards.

Not Forgiving

Against all common advice and "spiritual wisdom," I've reached this conclusion:

When someone's actions are genuinely offensive and immoral, and the perpetrator neither shows remorse nor makes any effort to change, not forgiving is a moral and honest choice -- especially if hurt and anger are no longer present.

The Eusocial Caste

"Eusociality, where some individuals reduce their own reproductive potential to raise others' offspring, is what underpins the most advanced form of social organization and the dominance of social insects and humans." 
  --   E. O. Wilson

This statement is from an article that Rachel linked in her profile. I was fascinated by the sentence; it offered me a surprising perspective. It was not the point of the article, but since I read everything from Rachel with attention to detail, I saw relevance in this sentence. The article, separately from all this, was also relevant. It discussed the social evolution of altruism.

But it was the quote from E. O. Wilson that struck me. As a young woman, I reduced my reproductive potential by choice (to help save the planet). I found another's offspring in peril, and I raised her in challenging circumstances, with love, hands on care and healing, and lots of hard work. What I just read informs me that I'm highly evolved!

I guess I already knew that.

In a couple months, Peter and I will be very social in the EU! ;-)

Twelve

It's 2012, and I have reached my fifth Dragon year. 2012 is the second Water Dragon year of my life; the first is my birth year, 1952. Over the past months, I've pondered my mortality and "what's important." It isn't easy to deny turning sixty, with its inevitable progression. Although, I won't experience a third Water Dragon year, I've determined that each twelve year cycle is important for me. I must celebrate each dragon year, including this one, by reflecting on lessons learned and pleasurable experiences of the past twelve years, then planning the coming twelve years. I will review each twelve month period in a similar fashion.

U.S. Forever Postage Stamp commemorating this Lunar New Year

Age twelve was a year of officially accepting responsibility, and becoming an adult in the Roman Catholic Church. I was confirmed at age twelve. Slapped quite harshly by Archbishop Dearden, my face flamed for several hours. Aunt Sharon, my confirmation sponsor, was quite upset about it, and still remarks on it when I see her! I'm sure that's why I mention it, because I expected to "stand as an adult" during the ceremony, and knew I'd be slapped — although normally it is a symbolic tap on the cheek. Perhaps the Archbishop recognized that I wasn't a real follower of the Church.

I will digress, and mention that age seven is the age of reason in the Catholic Church. When I was seven, in second grade, I was taught that Limbo -- the eternal home of pagans (unbaptized souls) -- was exactly like Heaven, except God isn't there. My reasoning brain could not resolve that matter of faith. I decided after that particular teaching (and after a year and a half of daily Religion classes), that I was no longer a Catholic. I knew that I had no choice in the matter, as my parents sent me to Catholic School, but I resolved that at age sixteen I could stop being a Catholic. I will say that the essential teachings of the Bible underlie my morals, and that if people actually followed the teachings of Jesus Christ, the world would be a much better place. But since age sixteen, after prolonged family drama which I endured quietly and steadfastly, I have no affiliation with organized religion.

At age 24, I became a financially independent woman. At age 36, a mother. At 48, a successful entrepeneur! 

There are twelve strings on guitars, twelve days of Christmas, twelve Apostles, twelve months of the year, 12-bar blues, twelve Olympians, twelve astrological signs -- western and eastern. Twelve seems to be an auspicious number, and I am pleased to celebrate my fifth twelve year cycle. I doubt that being a Water Dragon has anything to do with being a Water Bearer (Aquarius, an air sign), but I enjoy thinking of both as I embark on the new adventure of planning and living the final third of my life. I am grateful to have made it this far!

I love my friends and family -- received so many beautiful gifts, cards, communications, and unexpected phone calls, that I was nearly in tears of joy all day long!

I was deeply touched by this gift from Sheri -- here is a (distorted) image of the back cover of a lovely hard bound book of photos she's taken during our two trips around Hawaii Island and Kauai. She created it and sent it to me!

Travel continues to be part of my enjoyment of the world, in addition to my rather unbeatable daily life. In a few weeks, I'll join Leslie in Amsterdam, and we'll travel to Cordoba for eight days. The weather won't be warm, but I'll be able to wear clothes that I only can wear outside of Hawaii, or at high elevations here, so I don't mind. She and I will have an easy time hanging out in R's house in the Juderia,  and exploring ancient Spain together -- quite an excellent Water Dragon activity!

Holiday Nostalgia

I miss my mom every day, but my heart aches more acutely near her favorite holidays and birthday. Each year, Mom enjoyed making her family's Christmas a magical and loving tradition. Unlike her, I often lack motivation for such efforts -- at least during the holidays that Peter and I spend at home alone together. This year, a poinsettia plant is our sole visible homage to the season. But we're celebrating with friends, hosting meals and visiting others, making party rounds as usual. Our time together is kind, cozy, loving, and playful. We're also tackling home maintenance projects that we usually avoid.

This season, the family traditions will extend into January. On Thursday, we'll host our island family -- including my darling grand-cousins, their parents and grandparents, and my coffee farming cousins (plus their guests and extended ohana). For that, I think I'll quickly set up a pre-lit artificial tree that's in the garage. After celebrating New Year's Eve with fireworks at Mauna Kea Beach, I will have a couple days to prepare before flying to Oahu to take care of my great-nephew while his mom participates in a roller derby clinic. My nephew will join us there after five days, and then we all will head back to Hawaii island. Since this season's family celebrations are delayed, we'll celebrate more festively when we have children at home to inspire us!

Renewing and Forging Bonds

The year 2011 has provided many rewarding moments with family and friends. In the winter and early spring months, we hosted quite a few distant guests from university and professional associations, along with Rachel, other family members, and regularly visiting pals.

When visitor season ended, I departed for a long planned trip to England with my pal Caroline. She and I spent four nights in London -- and walked many miles through the city -- then took a train to Bath where we stayed another four nights. After two days touring on foot in Bath, we rented a car to explore the Cotswolds, the Salisbury Plain, and the areas surrounding Bath as well as much of Cornwall. I drove over 700 kilometers that week. Caroline wanted to visit some of the sites from my 2006 pilgrimage, so I arranged access inside the stone circle at Stonehenge; we also spent time among the stones at Avebury, and in quite a few cathedrals. En route to Cornwall we detoured to spend about five hours in Glastonbury and climbed the Tor.

Carol and Caroline, in front of the Merlin Stone at Avebury

While in Bath, we frequented an Indian restaurant near our hotel -- and virtually the only restaurant that served food after 9 pm -- often enough that one of the servers became overly sentimental on our last night. It was surreal that the young Bangladeshi man was nearly weeping, but I assured him that I'd eaten there on an earlier visit, and would again when I return. We were building bonds even as tourist customers! Once in Cornwall, we stayed in a grand railroad hotel overlooking Fistral Beach for another three nights before driving back to Bath, dropping the car at Hertz, and taking a train back to London to fly home the next day.

After my return on May 26, it was time to prepare for a three week journey with Peter beginning June 8. While in Las Vegas for a ten days, I enjoyed seventh row center seats at the Paul McCartney concert (sitting close to Yoko and Sean Lennon, Olivia Harrison, George Martin, and Nancy Shevell with her son). Peter and I explored some of the region not too far from Las Vegas (Hoover Dam, Boulder City), but didn't drive to the Grand Canyon as planned, due to forest fires. For one day, Peter indulged me and we walked for miles along the strip to shop at high end designer boutiques in various casinos. We both loved this whisper light scarf from Alexander McQueen, so Peter bought it for our anniversary. Another day, we enjoyed a serendipitous rendezvous with Sheri, who was staying nearby for a professional conference. In addition to lunch and a few hours at the pool, Sheri spent quite a bit of time with us in the AllSaints boutique, discovering their unique, well-made, beautiful clothing for men and women, all very pricey.

After Peter "got his Vegas fix," we drove north through rural Nevada's vast desert (including Area 51 and Yucca Mountain) to my sister's home in the Carson Valley surrounded by the High Sierra. Peter and I were eager to meet and create new bonds with Madeline, our great-niece, during a week of celebrating her first birthday in and around Lake Tahoe. The venue was a partial family reunion, hosted by my sister Jill, and my brother Jim in Zephyr Cove, where we stayed. Maddy's parents, Amy and my nephew Kevin, were in from Arizona, and niece Shannon showed up from time to time. Extended family showed up for the birthday party, and it was great to see some of Jill's in-laws and old friends from Michigan again.

View of the lake from our bed at Jim's house

My nephew Adam also stayed at Jim's with his partner Melisa and their two year old son, Myles -- our great-nephew. We've had the opportunity to bond with Myles quite a few times in Hawaii, California, and Nevada, and it was delightful to spend time with him alone and with the entire family group again.

After a week in Tahoe, Peter and I flew to Cancun, then were shuttled down to Tulum where we stayed for three nights, exploring the town, its beaches, and nearby Mayan ruins. We stayed in a comfortable, clean, very simple inn in the pueblo itself. The contrast with our next destination, the Banyan Tree Mayakoba, was remarkable! There, Peter's friend Chuck hosted a sixtieth birthday bash for himself, and paid for about forty friends and a couple dozen family members to join him. We each had a private walled villa with our own swimming pool and outdoor covered bedroom, along with the fabulous indoor/outdoor suite. Zen and intimacy -- such luxury! Our four and five star resorts in Hawaii are put to shame by the Banyan Tree.

The best part, of course, was reuniting with old friends. Peter's childhood pals were there, along with quite a few from university days and business transactions. The shared gratitude was palpable: everyone appreciated coming together to celebrate with old friends. It was a genuinely sentimental gathering in a sensuous and luxurious setting.

Peter and I returned home on June 26th for a slight reprieve -- including Fourth of July fireworks at my favorite spot on the planet, Mauna Kea Beach.

On July 7, I departed for San Francisco, and the coastline north of Half Moon Bay, to attend another celebration -- this time for my best friend, Leslie. Leslie has moved to Amsterdam to live with her man. She kept her home at the coast, and her son is living there with his new wife. She and Reinier hosted a bash at a nearby hotel for about eighty friends and family -- to introduce Reinier to those who don't know him, to celebrate their love, additionally to celebrate her son's marriage a year earlier in Milan. Peter didn't want to travel so soon, but I was delighted to join a gathering of old friends and ohana. I am very close to Leslie's entire family, and spent enjoyable individual time with her extended family. Another warm event, filled with love.

Leslie, with her beautiful, new Dutch family.

On the 13th, I flew to JFK and was greeted by a double rainbow as soon as I got into the shuttle that would take me to the upper east side of Manhattan. There, I stayed for a week with our friend Margery and spent the time walking around Manhattan enjoying New York (fortunately there was a break in the oppressive weather) and renewing bonds with my friend Ayna, with whom I first connected during my 2006 pilgrimage in England. Also spent some time with Allison, daughter of my "best friend boy cousin" Russ. My primary reason for going to New York was to see the Alexander McQueen exhibit at the Met, and since Margery lives around the corner, that was very easy and leisurely -- and amazing! We also saw a couple of theatre productions, and on Bastille Day, we walked down to Lincoln Center to join the dancers at Midsummer Night's Swing. Saw a couple movies as well, ate wonderful food, and met several terrific women friends of Margery.

Now I've been home since July 20th, and must pack today for our next adventure. Peter and I are off to Kennebunkport for the wedding of our friends' daughter. This will be another reunion with the Cancun crowd (to be followed by an October reunion of eight of the guys and a few wives in Hawaii for the eleventh annual Belvoir Cup golf outing). Since we'll be on the east coast, I will take the opportunity to continue east to Amsterdam to spend a week with Leslie and Reinier, and meet more of Reinier's family and friends. From there, I will fly to East London, South Africa for nine days with good friends from Hawaii (who've moved there for work). We will go inland to camp for three days at Addo Elephant Park, and after we return, Susan and I will go on to the wine country outside of Cape Town, then two nights and nearly three days in Cape Town. Whew!

Departing Cape Town, I'll head to London for three days and nights, and will re-connect with Annie there. Also with Jonathan, no doubt. I've booked a tour of Buckingham Palace, and afternoon tea, and need to flesh out plans for the rest of my time (theatre, museums, ethnic food, shopping). But for now, I only have a couple days left at home and must pack for all the different events and climates!

A very good year, indeed! As soon as I return, visitors will begin to arrive for the winter season. Peter and I are very excited to host former employees of whom we're very fond, regular buddies, and family. I am so pleased with the content and rhythm of our lives, alternating travel with entertaining -- and continually connecting with those we love. What could be better?

Love Day

July 1, 2010 is our day to celebrate love.

Need inspiration? Try reading some of Rumi’s work.

Anna Akhmatova

Unfortunately, we didn't have time to visit the Akhmatova Museum, but her portrait at the Russian Museum is haunting.


Can you relate?

There's a secret border in human closeness,
that love's being, love's passion, cannot pass --
though lips are sealed together in sacred silence,
though hearts break in two with love's distress.

And friendship too is powerless,
and years of sublime flame-filled ecstasy
when the soul itself is free, fights clear,
of the slow languor of sensuality.

Those who try to reach that boundary are mad,
and those who have -- are filled with anguish.
Now you know, now you understand,
why my heart won't beat at your caress.

Reflecting

It's June -- where has the year gone?

I will continue to listen to my inner wisdom. I will continue to identify mistakes I have made. I will continue to learn and grow. I will increase my physical strength and agility, made easier because I now have almost perfect vision for the first time in my life! I will apply the advice that I used to give Rachel (perhaps too often), "we become what we practice," and will play bridge more often and with greater attention.

note: this photo of Puki at the edge of our pool was taken in March by my friend Sheri Kowalski. Seems like only yesterday ... ;-)

Yule Tide Cheer

The winter solstice, the festival of lights, and Christmas all come together each year to encourage us with symbolic renewal -- the birthday of the unconquered sun, the oil that sustained itself and continued burning until it could be replaced, the birth of the immortal son.



It's a natural time to celebrate warmly with friends and family, in the aloha spirit.

Links: Plants of the Winter Solstice
Photo of the Newgrange, Ireland Solstice

It was twenty years ago today!

This faded photo of Peter and me was taken at Evelyn's Christmas party in San Francisco in 1988.

Recently, I scanned and "restored" this Polaroid image, after it was cut, scratched and torn in the October 15, 2006 earthquake. The above result was the best I could do; Polaroids don't hold up very well.

This month Peter and I celebrate our 21st Christmas together, our 4th year in our Hawaiian home (December 11), and our 4th wedding anniversary on December 29 -- the same day we toast 21-1/2 years together!

Christmas has always been *the* special holiday for me. During many of the early years of our partnership we struggled through Christmas; Peter's disdain for family traditions prevented him from relaxing, enjoying, and participating -- and often prompted sabotage. Poor Rachel was never allowed to experience the magic of the holidays.

Finally, after years of resisting, Peter now joins in and enjoys himself. He "gets" the traditions of family love, giving, sharing, and celebrating; now they are meaningful to him ... as long as he doesn't have to work too hard or shop very often!

The "gift" that came out of our 2003 family debacle is we've learned to strengthen our love by working together, instead of avoiding and complaining and blaming. It's the best gift ever.

Photos from the wedding

Robb and Jaime didn't notice the companion that Peter and I brought to their wedding, but we had fun posing our Barack Obama action figure in several locations and settings around the reception ... especially during one of the speeches ;-)

Above all, we -- and all of the guests -- noticed the deep, genuine, caring and loving relationship shared by the beautiful bride and handsome groom.

Jaime and Robb

Jaime is my cousin Kate's daughter; technically she is my first cousin once removed. But she's always been my niece, and I'm her Aunt Carol. Her mom is my best girl cousin friend -- my life long, steadfast, wonderful, generous friend, Kate.

Jaime just married an exceptional man, Robb, on October 11, in a moving, lovely ceremony in Colorado.

Peter and I celebrated with them at their fabulous rehearsal dinner and lively wedding reception. They spent their Hawaiian honeymoon nearby at our condo. Last Thursday, they visited us at home. The photo is of the sunset we watched as we drank champagne together.

Moving on

I no longer tell a negative story about myself. I turn within and I feel the sweetness of Spirit upon me. I rest in the sweetness of my life and give thanks for all of my blessings.

Today I release the emotional weight of my yesterdays and focus on the truth of my being. I joyously welcome the new peace, the new abundance, and the new love that is manifest as my life today.

One of my daily readings

is called the Daily Motivator, published by Ralph Marston. Today's entry is worth repeating here:

The value of forgiveness
Forgiveness can indeed be difficult. Yet in the long run, it is far easier to forgive than to live with resentment or continuing retribution. Through forgiveness, you can move away from the pains of the past. With forgiveness, you can achieve real freedom.

There are always opportunities to benefit from the value of forgiveness. You can forgive yourself, you can forgive others, and you can forgive even when you don't know exactly who to forgive.

Because forgiveness is not about who is to blame or who is at fault. Forgiveness is mostly about letting go, completely and permanently, within yourself.

Forgiveness is recognizing the reality that what has happened has happened, and that there's no point in allowing it to dominate your life. Forgiveness refreshingly clears the slate and enables you to move positively forward.

Carrying around a load of resentment can be an enormous and unnecessary burden. Forgive early and often, and you'll considerably lighten your load.

-- Ralph Marston