Holiday Nostalgia

I miss my mom every day, but my heart aches more acutely near her favorite holidays and birthday. Each year, Mom enjoyed making her family's Christmas a magical and loving tradition. Unlike her, I often lack motivation for such efforts -- at least during the holidays that Peter and I spend at home alone together. This year, a poinsettia plant is our sole visible homage to the season. But we're celebrating with friends, hosting meals and visiting others, making party rounds as usual. Our time together is kind, cozy, loving, and playful. We're also tackling home maintenance projects that we usually avoid.

This season, the family traditions will extend into January. On Thursday, we'll host our island family -- including my darling grand-cousins, their parents and grandparents, and my coffee farming cousins (plus their guests and extended ohana). For that, I think I'll quickly set up a pre-lit artificial tree that's in the garage. After celebrating New Year's Eve with fireworks at Mauna Kea Beach, I will have a couple days to prepare before flying to Oahu to take care of my great-nephew while his mom participates in a roller derby clinic. My nephew will join us there after five days, and then we all will head back to Hawaii island. Since this season's family celebrations are delayed, we'll celebrate more festively when we have children at home to inspire us!

Thinking of Shirley

We learned yesterday that Grandma Shirley passed away. For nearly twenty years, Shirley and I stayed in touch so that I could give her news of her grand-daughter.

Shirley was a simple, straightforward woman, who never understood how Lee could abandon Rachel, and mourned the lack of a closer connection with her beloved only grandchild. Aware of her love for my step-daughter, I attempted to promote their bond. Despite Peter's general indifference, he supported my efforts -- unlike his sister and mother who actively tried to prevent them. I felt that it was essential for Rachel to know everyone who loved her, so I contacted Shirley by phone about six times a year when Rach was a child, sent photos, and visited her with Rachel whenever we traveled on the East Coast.

When Rachel was about eleven, and we felt that she was able to travel alone (as an unaccompanied minor, for extra fees so that the airline took care of her while she travelled), we contacted her Aunt Patty to see if Rachel could visit her. On my side of the family, Rachel's aunts and uncles (including my siblings, their spouses, and several of my first cousins) enthusiastically encouraged and welcomed Rachel's visits, so I foolishly assumed that her biological aunt would feel the same. After all, Rachel was the only child in her family!

Despite the effort and expense of a cross-country flight, Patty was willing to take Rachel for only two days, puzzling me and insulting Peter. I prevailed on him to ask for one extra day with Patty because I wanted Patty to take Rach to stay with Shirley for three or four days. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that Patty would refuse. Peter's mother got involved in our plans, supporting Patty's refusal. She asserted that there was no reason or need for Rachel to visit Shirley. Although I didn't engage in the discussions with Peter's sister, I did try to convince Peter's mom. I asked her how she would feel if the situation were reversed -- if Lee had custody and saw no reason for her to maintain a relationship with her only grandchild. Lack of empathy, and poor judgment about Rachel's best interests, were the only substantive responses from either Patty or Nanny. Peter's negotiations with his twin sister became more heated, and Patty finally agreed to relent if we would release her from any liability! She sent a legal document that Peter had to sign in front of a notary, and then reluctantly agreed to our wishes that she take Rachel to Shirley. Living in Park Slope, Brooklyn, Patty was inconvenienced having to deliver Rachel to and from the Grand Street projects in lower Manhattan, where Shirley lived.

Rachel enjoyed a loving and memorable visit with Grandma Shirley.

An earlier visit with Grandma Shirley, when Rachel was three years old.

We never again asked Patty to host a visit from Rachel once it was clear that she didn't want to be bothered. On subsequent visits to NY, we didn't even contact Patty. Peter already held bitter feelings about his sister's inhospitable behavior from an earlier one night visit.

Naively, I continued to assume that my daughter's only biological aunt would behave in a warm, familial manner concerning her niece. But that behavior didn't begin until the end of Rachel's high school years, when Patty began to pay attention and pretend to care for Rachel for the purpose of eliminating me from Rachel's life. Based on their attitude about Shirley, I should have foreseen that Patty and Nanny would try to claim Rachel and remove me as soon as she was grown. I had served my purpose as caretaker. Neither love for Rachel, nor concern for her emotional fragility could stop them. They still work to undermine our family, even with Nanny's dementia.

Of course, I have been hurt by their destructive, narcissistic actions. But the true, profoundly unfortunate victim has been Rachel. It is widely known that encouraging parental alienation damages the children involved, but our situation was exacerbated because our child had been abandoned by her birth mother (then later, at age nine, by Peter's mom when she abruptly moved away over an imagined insult from Rachel). It took years of loving work with Rachel to help her to develop emotional trust. This was viciously destroyed by Patty and Nanny in their misguided, self-glorifying attempts to "save" Rachel from the harm that they tried to convince her that I wished to inflict. Such a pity for all involved.

This was never the case with Grandma Shirley. She always expressed her heartfelt gratitude that I had stepped in to care for Rachel. She gave me little presents with thank-you notes, and entrusted me with gifts for Rachel, including a garter she'd saved from her bridal business that is for Rachel's wedding. It will be a joyful tribute to Shirley when Rachel wears it at her nuptials. Shirley will always remain in our memories as the kind and loving Grandmother that she was, and she will be specially honored on the future day that Rachel is married.

Rest in peace, Shirley.

Renewing and Forging Bonds

The year 2011 has provided many rewarding moments with family and friends. In the winter and early spring months, we hosted quite a few distant guests from university and professional associations, along with Rachel, other family members, and regularly visiting pals.

When visitor season ended, I departed for a long planned trip to England with my pal Caroline. She and I spent four nights in London -- and walked many miles through the city -- then took a train to Bath where we stayed another four nights. After two days touring on foot in Bath, we rented a car to explore the Cotswolds, the Salisbury Plain, and the areas surrounding Bath as well as much of Cornwall. I drove over 700 kilometers that week. Caroline wanted to visit some of the sites from my 2006 pilgrimage, so I arranged access inside the stone circle at Stonehenge; we also spent time among the stones at Avebury, and in quite a few cathedrals. En route to Cornwall we detoured to spend about five hours in Glastonbury and climbed the Tor.

Carol and Caroline, in front of the Merlin Stone at Avebury

While in Bath, we frequented an Indian restaurant near our hotel -- and virtually the only restaurant that served food after 9 pm -- often enough that one of the servers became overly sentimental on our last night. It was surreal that the young Bangladeshi man was nearly weeping, but I assured him that I'd eaten there on an earlier visit, and would again when I return. We were building bonds even as tourist customers! Once in Cornwall, we stayed in a grand railroad hotel overlooking Fistral Beach for another three nights before driving back to Bath, dropping the car at Hertz, and taking a train back to London to fly home the next day.

After my return on May 26, it was time to prepare for a three week journey with Peter beginning June 8. While in Las Vegas for a ten days, I enjoyed seventh row center seats at the Paul McCartney concert (sitting close to Yoko and Sean Lennon, Olivia Harrison, George Martin, and Nancy Shevell with her son). Peter and I explored some of the region not too far from Las Vegas (Hoover Dam, Boulder City), but didn't drive to the Grand Canyon as planned, due to forest fires. For one day, Peter indulged me and we walked for miles along the strip to shop at high end designer boutiques in various casinos. We both loved this whisper light scarf from Alexander McQueen, so Peter bought it for our anniversary. Another day, we enjoyed a serendipitous rendezvous with Sheri, who was staying nearby for a professional conference. In addition to lunch and a few hours at the pool, Sheri spent quite a bit of time with us in the AllSaints boutique, discovering their unique, well-made, beautiful clothing for men and women, all very pricey.

After Peter "got his Vegas fix," we drove north through rural Nevada's vast desert (including Area 51 and Yucca Mountain) to my sister's home in the Carson Valley surrounded by the High Sierra. Peter and I were eager to meet and create new bonds with Madeline, our great-niece, during a week of celebrating her first birthday in and around Lake Tahoe. The venue was a partial family reunion, hosted by my sister Jill, and my brother Jim in Zephyr Cove, where we stayed. Maddy's parents, Amy and my nephew Kevin, were in from Arizona, and niece Shannon showed up from time to time. Extended family showed up for the birthday party, and it was great to see some of Jill's in-laws and old friends from Michigan again.

View of the lake from our bed at Jim's house

My nephew Adam also stayed at Jim's with his partner Melisa and their two year old son, Myles -- our great-nephew. We've had the opportunity to bond with Myles quite a few times in Hawaii, California, and Nevada, and it was delightful to spend time with him alone and with the entire family group again.

After a week in Tahoe, Peter and I flew to Cancun, then were shuttled down to Tulum where we stayed for three nights, exploring the town, its beaches, and nearby Mayan ruins. We stayed in a comfortable, clean, very simple inn in the pueblo itself. The contrast with our next destination, the Banyan Tree Mayakoba, was remarkable! There, Peter's friend Chuck hosted a sixtieth birthday bash for himself, and paid for about forty friends and a couple dozen family members to join him. We each had a private walled villa with our own swimming pool and outdoor covered bedroom, along with the fabulous indoor/outdoor suite. Zen and intimacy -- such luxury! Our four and five star resorts in Hawaii are put to shame by the Banyan Tree.

The best part, of course, was reuniting with old friends. Peter's childhood pals were there, along with quite a few from university days and business transactions. The shared gratitude was palpable: everyone appreciated coming together to celebrate with old friends. It was a genuinely sentimental gathering in a sensuous and luxurious setting.

Peter and I returned home on June 26th for a slight reprieve -- including Fourth of July fireworks at my favorite spot on the planet, Mauna Kea Beach.

On July 7, I departed for San Francisco, and the coastline north of Half Moon Bay, to attend another celebration -- this time for my best friend, Leslie. Leslie has moved to Amsterdam to live with her man. She kept her home at the coast, and her son is living there with his new wife. She and Reinier hosted a bash at a nearby hotel for about eighty friends and family -- to introduce Reinier to those who don't know him, to celebrate their love, additionally to celebrate her son's marriage a year earlier in Milan. Peter didn't want to travel so soon, but I was delighted to join a gathering of old friends and ohana. I am very close to Leslie's entire family, and spent enjoyable individual time with her extended family. Another warm event, filled with love.

Leslie, with her beautiful, new Dutch family.

On the 13th, I flew to JFK and was greeted by a double rainbow as soon as I got into the shuttle that would take me to the upper east side of Manhattan. There, I stayed for a week with our friend Margery and spent the time walking around Manhattan enjoying New York (fortunately there was a break in the oppressive weather) and renewing bonds with my friend Ayna, with whom I first connected during my 2006 pilgrimage in England. Also spent some time with Allison, daughter of my "best friend boy cousin" Russ. My primary reason for going to New York was to see the Alexander McQueen exhibit at the Met, and since Margery lives around the corner, that was very easy and leisurely -- and amazing! We also saw a couple of theatre productions, and on Bastille Day, we walked down to Lincoln Center to join the dancers at Midsummer Night's Swing. Saw a couple movies as well, ate wonderful food, and met several terrific women friends of Margery.

Now I've been home since July 20th, and must pack today for our next adventure. Peter and I are off to Kennebunkport for the wedding of our friends' daughter. This will be another reunion with the Cancun crowd (to be followed by an October reunion of eight of the guys and a few wives in Hawaii for the eleventh annual Belvoir Cup golf outing). Since we'll be on the east coast, I will take the opportunity to continue east to Amsterdam to spend a week with Leslie and Reinier, and meet more of Reinier's family and friends. From there, I will fly to East London, South Africa for nine days with good friends from Hawaii (who've moved there for work). We will go inland to camp for three days at Addo Elephant Park, and after we return, Susan and I will go on to the wine country outside of Cape Town, then two nights and nearly three days in Cape Town. Whew!

Departing Cape Town, I'll head to London for three days and nights, and will re-connect with Annie there. Also with Jonathan, no doubt. I've booked a tour of Buckingham Palace, and afternoon tea, and need to flesh out plans for the rest of my time (theatre, museums, ethnic food, shopping). But for now, I only have a couple days left at home and must pack for all the different events and climates!

A very good year, indeed! As soon as I return, visitors will begin to arrive for the winter season. Peter and I are very excited to host former employees of whom we're very fond, regular buddies, and family. I am so pleased with the content and rhythm of our lives, alternating travel with entertaining -- and continually connecting with those we love. What could be better?

Fifty-nine

Yikes! I can't believe that I officially am one year away from age sixty. No comprendo.

However, it was a fantastic birthday week. Three small parties were thrown to celebrate: one chez Tom and Caroline, another at Susan and Tom K's, and the third after Peter's tennis game on Monday at the seaside courts. On top of that, Ricky and Judy came for the week from San Diego, and we all trekked to Kona for dinner on Saturday (actual birthday) at La Bourgogne. Andrew also joined us. Unfortunately, it was our first disappointing meal there; we've dined there a few times each year since 2004. Two nights earlier, Andrew cooked a birthday feast to which we invited a few people. For the past ten days, I've been quite pampered. I am honored to have such caring and fabulous friends and family.

My favorite birthday card is from my first girl friend in Hawaii, Caroline:


I splurged on myself this year, and bought a dark brown leather De Manta clutch and a Gold Angels shawl from Alexander McQueen's final collection (on sale, of course). The shape of the clutch evokes that of the local manta rays; it's very special. Each is gorgeous, unique, and timeless -- and will be fun to wear during my upcoming trip to England and Cornwall with Caroline.

I received several thoughtful gifts from my friends, and Rachel sent me a book of poetry by Yehuda Amichai (for whom she named her Ukrainian cat). Peter's gifts included bath gel, gift cards, and -- best of all -- hiring a huge earth moving excavator to clear and level land on the lower slope makai (towards the ocean), in front of our lawn. Since 2006, I've envisioned creating a labyrinth there, and a bocce ball court adjacent to it. It may be five more years until they are installed, but the essential first step is complete.

Before:


After:


As we approach the Year of the Hare (or Rabbit), and Peter's sixtieth, I have to say that life is better than ever!

Gung Hay Fat Choy!