Yule Tide Cheer

The winter solstice, the festival of lights, and Christmas all come together each year to encourage us with symbolic renewal -- the birthday of the unconquered sun, the oil that sustained itself and continued burning until it could be replaced, the birth of the immortal son.



It's a natural time to celebrate warmly with friends and family, in the aloha spirit.

Links: Plants of the Winter Solstice
Photo of the Newgrange, Ireland Solstice

Narcissists

All narcissists have attachment problems. Narcissists are unable to parent in the loving, giving, selfless ways that are required to produce emotionally healthy children. Many adult children of narcissists find themselves unable to build healthy attachments, so the problem perpetuates. Narcissists always resent attachment when they encounter it; predictably, they attempt to weaken securely attached relationships that they observe between people close to them.

Ever unable to accept responsibility for problems they cause, narcissists invariably deflect blame to others -- repeatedly accusing them of anything that might stick, e.g., mental illness or projection.

This happens even when narcissists are presented with irrefutable evidence of their misdeeds. In narcissism, denial is an integral means to escape personal responsibility. Two recurring activities and attributes of this destructive and remorseless personality type predominate: schadenfreude and self-righteous denigration of others.

It's virtually impossible for narcissists to admit accountability for mistakes or ill-intended activities. Never expect an honest resolution to problems or issues with narcissists.

Craziness ricochets when dealing with narcissists -- that's how they're able to function. Sometimes it's called projective identification.

note: this post is dedicated to the malignant narcissists who attempted to destroy our family: Patty Grossman and Carol Klein.

What I'm working on this week

Thanks to Ron Brezsny, I am determined to cultivate a desire to recognize and respond to the raw truth of each new moment.

It was twenty years ago today!

This faded photo of Peter and me was taken at Evelyn's Christmas party in San Francisco in 1988.

Recently, I scanned and "restored" this Polaroid image, after it was cut, scratched and torn in the October 15, 2006 earthquake. The above result was the best I could do; Polaroids don't hold up very well.

This month Peter and I celebrate our 21st Christmas together, our 4th year in our Hawaiian home (December 11), and our 4th wedding anniversary on December 29 -- the same day we toast 21-1/2 years together!

Christmas has always been *the* special holiday for me. During many of the early years of our partnership we struggled through Christmas; Peter's disdain for family traditions prevented him from relaxing, enjoying, and participating -- and often prompted sabotage. Poor Rachel was never allowed to experience the magic of the holidays.

Finally, after years of resisting, Peter now joins in and enjoys himself. He "gets" the traditions of family love, giving, sharing, and celebrating; now they are meaningful to him ... as long as he doesn't have to work too hard or shop very often!

The "gift" that came out of our 2003 family debacle is we've learned to strengthen our love by working together, instead of avoiding and complaining and blaming. It's the best gift ever.

Parental Alienation is Child Abuse

Parental Alienation is the most insidious form of child abuse

Parental Alienation is the name for a group of behaviors that damage children's mental and emotional well-being, and can interfere with a relationship of a child and either parent. These behaviors most often accompany high conflict marriages, separation or divorce.

These behaviors whether verbal or non-verbal, cause a child to be mentally manipulated or bullied into believing that a loving parent is the cause of all problems, and/or the enemy, to be feared, hated, disrespected and/or avoided.

Parental alienation deprives children of their right to be loved by and to show love for both of their parents. These destructive actions by the alienator (usually parent or relative) are considered a form of child abuse - as the alienating tactics used on the children are disturbing, confusing and often frightening, and rob children of their sense of security and safety. Parental alienation is manipulative and destructive, and ends up hurting and damaging the child.

Effects of parental alienation:

- - The alienated child is likely to exhibit symptoms which include anxiety, phobias, and social and educational difficulties. As adults, alienated children experience excessive guilt, sadness and depression as they begin to understand what they have lost, and how they have been used as weapons against the other parent.
- - The adult alienated child will recognize that his/her perceptions were molded by manipulative or self-interested person(s). Such manipulation causes these adult children to lose confidence in ability to trust others, and contributes to feelings of self loathing.
- - For the alienated parent, and the wider family, the effects of PA are worse than losing a child through death, and have been likened to a bereavement without an end. Every day is a new loss. Experiences, once lovingly shared, can never be retrieved. The parent is given a life sentence of overwhelming sadness. The family is ruptured.

How to identify an alienated child :

He or she has experienced the deterioration or loss of a parental relationship during, or after, a parental crisis or split. The child now professes a strong preference for one parent, while expressing blame, disrespect, dislike, contempt and hatred towards the other -- and often towards members of the other's extended family.

The reasons for these strong feelings are often illogical and frivolous, and often include false accusations. The child is adamant that the feelings he/she expresses are his or her own, while using exact phrases or vocabulary that were learned from his/her alienating parent or relatives.

Considering the profound symptoms of reactive attachment disorder (RAD) in some situations, parental alienation is a cruel sentence to impose on an already troubled, but innocent child. Children with attachment issues are prone to accept and act on alienating suggestions, and to exaggerate their anger and blaming. Typical RAD behavior predicts that victims will continue to embellish and worsen false accusations against the parent they have been encouraged to reject -- these false accusations cascade incredibly into "fish stories" that take on lives of their own.

Dean Ramsden says it this way, "Speaking for all of the victims out there (myself included) I ask for your deep compassion for the loss of our children, and to please help where you can in awakening society to the reality of this crime against human connection. Life, our parents, and all our relationships, are too important to be ground underfoot by the denial of the effects of parental alienation."

Encouraging parental alienation is the ultimate hate crime.

This post is dedicated to those who attempted to destroy our nuclear family: Patty Grossman, trained and abetted by Carol Klein. Both operated with Helene Kendler's irresponsibly unprofessional approbation.

What more can I say?

America's citizens have spoken, and we proved that America is still the beacon of liberty, equality, and hope for the rest of the world!

p.s. Watch Barack Obama's victory speech here if you need a dose of inspiration.

Photos from the wedding

Robb and Jaime didn't notice the companion that Peter and I brought to their wedding, but we had fun posing our Barack Obama action figure in several locations and settings around the reception ... especially during one of the speeches ;-)

Above all, we -- and all of the guests -- noticed the deep, genuine, caring and loving relationship shared by the beautiful bride and handsome groom.

Jaime and Robb

Jaime is my cousin Kate's daughter; technically she is my first cousin once removed. But she's always been my niece, and I'm her Aunt Carol. Her mom is my best girl cousin friend -- my life long, steadfast, wonderful, generous friend, Kate.

Jaime just married an exceptional man, Robb, on October 11, in a moving, lovely ceremony in Colorado.

Peter and I celebrated with them at their fabulous rehearsal dinner and lively wedding reception. They spent their Hawaiian honeymoon nearby at our condo. Last Thursday, they visited us at home. The photo is of the sunset we watched as we drank champagne together.

Happy New Year

I've asked for forgiveness, and look ahead to ten days of introspection.

Mabon

I enter the season of autumn with love and joy in my heart, knowing my life is blessed with abun­dance and glory. Our family tragedy has receded; embers glow where fires ravaged. Our love is renewed and strengthened; mutual appreciation grows.

At home, the change of season brings slightly cooler breezes in the evenings plus rising ocean levels, so that we sleep to the rhythm of crashing waves each night.

Peter and I will enjoy this autumn in Hawaii, San Francisco, Napa Valley, Lake Tahoe, and Boulder over the next few weeks, and in late October I will return to the mainland with Caroline to work for Barack Obama's election in Nevada, Michigan and Pennsylvania. After the election, I'll visit Ayna in NYC, Greg and Susan in D.C., then John and Lindy in Philadelphia.

On this autumn equinox, I dedicate myself with renewed attention to the healing and strengthening of my family, and to elect Barack Obama -- thus advancing the healing of our country and the world.

My Newest Tool: a Percussor from Erchonia

Last month, I tore a ligament in my left ankle while Peter and I were in Monaco and Cap-Martin. Although I followed the RICE protocol each evening, I continued to walk each day for the next three weeks as we worked, played and explored in France and London, then in Philadelphia and El Granada, California. While there, Leslie arranged for me to see her incredible chiropractor, Dr. Derry Sontag -- and during treatment he used a tool called a percussor, along with several other effective tools, including a variable adjuster/activator.

The percussor had an immediate, beneficial effect -- not only helping my ankle and foot, but breaking up adhesions around my right shoulder that have plagued me for the past nine years. My body was entirely alert during treatment, and fully aware of the "unwinding" effect of systemic myofascial release. I made an appointment to see Dr. Sontag again the next day, and received more treatments, plus the information that I was eager to learn about the device. He told me that it is important to buy a percussor from Erchonia; that most other percussors on the market are poor imitators. A percussor acts like a well modulated jackhammer as it eases chronic pain that is caused by fascial restrictions and scar tissue. Fascia is the thin layer of connective tissue that covers and supports the muscles and inner organs of the body. When fascia fixates or knots up, motion is restricted and pain often results. The percussor works with the body's fascia, freeing fixations -- much as a jackhammer breaks up concrete. The percussor is not a vibrator; it is far more effective. Dr. Sontag told me that 30 seconds to 3 minutes of therapy with a percussor produces results that require 3 or 4 hours of myofascial release or other therapeutic massage. Unlike a jackhammer, the percussor is quiet despite its power. Its smooth force allows the freeing of both the connective tissue and the deep fascia.

I've had my percussor for a week now, and have carefully used it, after watching the "training dvd" and reading its manual. I also consulted with my chiropractor brother, who advised me to use it everywhere except C0, C1, and the skull until I've taken a class on those specific uses -- and obviously to avoid contraindicated uses.

Dr. Alan Creed, an advocate of a similar product, says that the percussor "is used for soft tissue and organ stimulation, as well as for setting proprioceptive beds that allow for greater motion."

Peter hasn't noticed his usual back pain since a few minutes each day with the percussor. I've eased Diana's hip pain, and Caroline's shoulder pain / lower back pain. Emily's plantar fasciitis, and rotator cuff pain have diminished. I'm eager to learn more, but haven't been able to find much information. Tonight, I downloaded every article I can find, and also found a blogger who uses a percussor -- plus she is interested in labyrinths, as am I. And she almost looks like me!

p.s. Indirectly related to the percussor, I found a well done interactive page that illustrates the spine. Click on a vertebra, and you'll see which organs receive their nerve supply from it and the nerves dispersed through it.

Our next President

I bought this poster today from http://www.gotellmama.org/

Obama / Biden '08
Yes We Can!

Support my fundraising campaign! Please donate any amount to help elect Barack Obama:
http://my.barackobama.com/page/outreach/view/main/carport

Join me at MYBO: http://my.barackobama.com/page/dashboard/public/gGtZsx

Bill Clinton at the Democratic Convention

Bill Clinton said something important and memorable tonight. From the beginning of Barack's candidacy I felt the same way, but couldn't express it as eloquently:

"Barack Obama knows that America cannot be strong abroad unless we are strong at home. People the world over have always been more impressed by the power of our example than by the example of our power."

-- Bill Clinton
August 27, 2008

That's the America that I want to return to -- a country where individuals have opportunities to succeed and improve their lives by working hard, improving their skills, and contributing to society. An America in which innovation and creativity are encouraged and supported by government, education, and industry. A country that inspires the world by the example it sets.

Moving on

I no longer tell a negative story about myself. I turn within and I feel the sweetness of Spirit upon me. I rest in the sweetness of my life and give thanks for all of my blessings.

Today I release the emotional weight of my yesterdays and focus on the truth of my being. I joyously welcome the new peace, the new abundance, and the new love that is manifest as my life today.

Ukraine

Peter describes it aptly as a god forsaken hell hole. Rachel is surviving -- not always happily -- but clearly is growing, demonstrates courage regularly, and truly is making a difference.

Barack Rocks!

"I've got to say, having both Bob Dylan and Bruce Springsteen say kind words about you is pretty remarkable. Those guys are icons."

— Barack Obama

Summer Solstice Tarot

The Ace of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in capturing the essence. My emotions are valid. I am beautiful and I deserve to pursue, share, and express unconditional love, pleasure, and happiness. I bring new love into the world. I am empowered by love and my gift is beauty in truth.

Tarot Today

The Ace of Pentacles card suggests that my power today lies in assets or seeds. I have everything I need to co-create my own reality. I have value and I matter. I am empowered to nurture and tend to my own garden of purpose. I bring new life into the world.