Mommy

Between May of 1987 and May of 1988, I became a regular caretaker for Peter’s 18-month old baby girl.

May 1987 in Stow, Massachusetts

 

On July 1, Peter and Rachel moved into a new apartment in Brookline, and Peter was able to enroll Rachel in a pre-school called Copper Beech that was near their new home. After several days at Copper Beech, Rachel began addressing Peter as “mommy,” presumably because all of the other children had mothers who participated in the classroom and she heard the term used often. Her vocabulary was fairly limited; no one taught her words and colors, etc. until I started taking care of her, but she caught on quickly. After about a month in Brookline, Rachel spoke her first phrase as we were mobilizing to leave for dinner: “ready to go?”

Whenever Rachel called Peter “mommy,” he became annoyed and would retort, “I’m not mommy, I am daddy.” After a few such rejections, Rachel tried calling me mommy. I tried to be gentle and loving in response, but told her “I’m not mommy, I’m Carol.”

Fast forward to August of 1988. Peter and I agreed to build a committed relationship. I had moved to San Francisco and found a beautiful apartment for us. When Peter and Rachel arrived, we sat down together to talk about our changed circumstance. I told Rachel that I wanted to be her new mommy if she wanted me, and that she could call me mommy. She assumed a proprietary attitude, took my hand and then hugged me. From that moment on, we became a family of sorts.

October 1988 in San Francisco, California

 

But an early warning that foretold of problems in our family took place soon thereafter: Peter began to tell Rachel that she could call him “mommy.” I was dumbfounded, but assumed that he was feeling a bit threatened by how quickly Rachel pivoted to needing and wanting me. He and I had agreed contractually, before moving in together, about certain principles and responsibilities in child-rearing. I was asked to take charge of the potty training, which was actually very easy. Rachel was ready. But then, Peter started to tell her that she could pee her pants! When she was undressed, he told her it was okay to pee on the floor!

These initial family scenes set the stage for years of undermining. There were so many times I just wanted to leave, out of utter frustration with Peter’s behavior. But I always felt that it would have destroyed Rachel’s fragile psyche to be abandoned yet again. So I stayed and did my best.

But as we know, my best was not good enough.
 

Good Advice for All

 ... from Rob Brezsny for November 2-9, 2021

♒ AQUARIUS

(January 20- February 18) 

As author Denise Linn reminded us, “The way you treat yourself sends a very clear message to others about how they should treat you.”

With that advice as your inspiration, I will ask you to deepen your devotion to self-care in the coming weeks. I will encourage you to shower yourself with more tenderness and generosity than you have ever done in your life. 

I will also urge you to make sure these efforts are apparent to everyone in your life. I am hoping for you to accomplish a permanent upgrade in your love for yourself, which should lead to a similar upgrade in the kindness you receive from others. 

 

Been There

 “Here's the secret indicator -- when people advocate destroying your healthy intimate relationships, they mean you no good.  And are likely psychopaths.”

10Q Review

Since 2012, every year for Rosh Hashana I participate in a series of ten daily questions on the DoYou10Q website. I don't always answer every question, but each year it is gratifying or interesting to read my responses from previous years. This year, I was shocked to read an answer I wrote in September 2020.

 

Describe a significant experience that has happened in the past year. How did it affect you? Are you grateful? Relieved? Resentful? Inspired?

My brother Michael died on January 5. This is still an unimaginable loss. I grieve every day, and I remember the times we spent together in the past four years with great gratitude. Of course, the COVID-19 pandemic has affected the entire year and kept us at home. 

November 29, 2020 is Rachel's 35th birthday. I "became" her mother when I was age 35. For 17 years, I was devoted to her and made sure she had every support and resource that I was able to give her. Then she turned on me, telling truly vicious lies and betraying my love and trust. 

Until last year, I struggled with this, but my brother's illness put things in perspective. People that disrespect me and betray me have no place in my life. Ever. So, the same is true now for my sister Jill. I love her (I can't actually say that I love Rachel any more — she is just a lousy memory of a waste of my time), but Jill invented a story about me that she told so many times that she believes it. I will love Jill always, but from afar, and let her live with her invented history without me as a part of her every day life.

The feelings I expressed about Rachel are harsh, but they are mine. I have no interest in interacting with Rachel in any way, ever again in my lifetime. She is an unrepentant liar and a documented traitor.

Today’s horoscope seems highly accurate and insightful!

from https://www.astro.com/

Personal Daily Horoscope of Saturday, 6 March 2021

for me

***

Concentrating energy

Valid during many months: This influence can bring both fulfillment and difficulty. Roughly fourteen years ago you went through a period of adversity and low vitality. But at the same time you made new beginnings, which are having results now. These efforts will either reach a climax and be successful, or you will realize that they have failed. In any case this is a time of tremendous responsibility and hard work, either to guarantee the successful conclusion of your old projects and endeavors or to salvage the best from the failures.

In those areas of your life that you have handled successfully - in your public life, your domestic life, or whatever - the responsibility of bringing your activities to a successful climax will limit your freedom of movement. Even if you know that events are turning out as you want, you may feel restless under the burdens. Try to be patient and concentrate wholly upon the tasks at hand.

Do not take on any new projects at this time that are not directly connected to what you are already doing. The additional responsibility could be too much for you and could cause health problems, especially with your heart and circulatory system. When you have successfully completed all your current projects, you may start new ones. This is a time of perseverance, hard work and heavy responsibility.

Those areas of your life that have not worked out as expected should not be regarded as complete failures. Several years ago when you embarked on these projects, you may not have understood as much as you understand now. This influence will make you aware of this fact. Don't start out on a new course until you have cleared up whatever has not worked out.

During this time you may feel cut off from others and lonely, but do not be too concerned about this. Even if this influence coincides with the breaking up of a relationship, which it may, it means that the relationship itself is distracting you from matters that you must attend to now. This is a time for concentrating energy, not scattering it.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Saturn conjunction Sun, activity period from 26 February 2021 until mid-December 2021

Here is a photo of my succulent garden from fourteen years ago. One of my projects is to restore it.