Mommy

Between May of 1987 and May of 1988, I became a regular caretaker for Peter’s 18-month old baby girl.

May 1987 in Stow, Massachusetts

 

On July 1, Peter and Rachel moved into a new apartment in Brookline, and Peter was able to enroll Rachel in a pre-school called Copper Beech that was near their new home. After several days at Copper Beech, Rachel began addressing Peter as “mommy,” presumably because all of the other children had mothers who participated in the classroom and she heard the term used often. Her vocabulary was fairly limited; no one taught her words and colors, etc. until I started taking care of her, but she caught on quickly. After about a month in Brookline, Rachel spoke her first phrase as we were mobilizing to leave for dinner: “ready to go?”

Whenever Rachel called Peter “mommy,” he became annoyed and would retort, “I’m not mommy, I am daddy.” After a few such rejections, Rachel tried calling me mommy. I tried to be gentle and loving in response, but told her “I’m not mommy, I’m Carol.”

Fast forward to August of 1988. Peter and I agreed to build a committed relationship. I had moved to San Francisco and found a beautiful apartment for us. When Peter and Rachel arrived, we sat down together to talk about our changed circumstance. I told Rachel that I wanted to be her new mommy if she wanted me, and that she could call me mommy. She assumed a proprietary attitude, took my hand and then hugged me. From that moment on, we became a family of sorts.

October 1988 in San Francisco, California

 

But an early warning that foretold of problems in our family took place soon thereafter: Peter began to tell Rachel that she could call him “mommy.” I was dumbfounded, but assumed that he was feeling a bit threatened by how quickly Rachel pivoted to needing and wanting me. He and I had agreed contractually, before moving in together, about certain principles and responsibilities in child-rearing. I was asked to take charge of the potty training, which was actually very easy. Rachel was ready. But then, Peter started to tell her that she could pee her pants! When she was undressed, he told her it was okay to pee on the floor!

These initial family scenes set the stage for years of undermining. There were so many times I just wanted to leave, out of utter frustration with Peter’s behavior. But I always felt that it would have destroyed Rachel’s fragile psyche to be abandoned yet again. So I stayed and did my best.

But as we know, my best was not good enough.