Holiday Nostalgia

I miss my mom every day, but my heart aches more acutely near her favorite holidays and birthday. Each year, Mom enjoyed making her family's Christmas a magical and loving tradition. Unlike her, I often lack motivation for such efforts -- at least during the holidays that Peter and I spend at home alone together. This year, a poinsettia plant is our sole visible homage to the season. But we're celebrating with friends, hosting meals and visiting others, making party rounds as usual. Our time together is kind, cozy, loving, and playful. We're also tackling home maintenance projects that we usually avoid.

This season, the family traditions will extend into January. On Thursday, we'll host our island family -- including my darling grand-cousins, their parents and grandparents, and my coffee farming cousins (plus their guests and extended ohana). For that, I think I'll quickly set up a pre-lit artificial tree that's in the garage. After celebrating New Year's Eve with fireworks at Mauna Kea Beach, I will have a couple days to prepare before flying to Oahu to take care of my great-nephew while his mom participates in a roller derby clinic. My nephew will join us there after five days, and then we all will head back to Hawaii island. Since this season's family celebrations are delayed, we'll celebrate more festively when we have children at home to inspire us!

Thinking of Shirley

We learned yesterday that Grandma Shirley passed away. For nearly twenty years, Shirley and I stayed in touch so that I could give her news of her grand-daughter.

Shirley was a simple, straightforward woman, who never understood how Lee could abandon Rachel, and mourned the lack of a closer connection with her beloved only grandchild. Aware of her love for my step-daughter, I attempted to promote their bond. Despite Peter's general indifference, he supported my efforts -- unlike his sister and mother who actively tried to prevent them. I felt that it was essential for Rachel to know everyone who loved her, so I contacted Shirley by phone about six times a year when Rach was a child, sent photos, and visited her with Rachel whenever we traveled on the East Coast.

When Rachel was about eleven, and we felt that she was able to travel alone (as an unaccompanied minor, for extra fees so that the airline took care of her while she travelled), we contacted her Aunt Patty to see if Rachel could visit her. On my side of the family, Rachel's aunts and uncles (including my siblings, their spouses, and several of my first cousins) enthusiastically encouraged and welcomed Rachel's visits, so I foolishly assumed that her biological aunt would feel the same. After all, Rachel was the only child in her family!

Despite the effort and expense of a cross-country flight, Patty was willing to take Rachel for only two days, puzzling me and insulting Peter. I prevailed on him to ask for one extra day with Patty because I wanted Patty to take Rach to stay with Shirley for three or four days. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that Patty would refuse. Peter's mother got involved in our plans, supporting Patty's refusal. She asserted that there was no reason or need for Rachel to visit Shirley. Although I didn't engage in the discussions with Peter's sister, I did try to convince Peter's mom. I asked her how she would feel if the situation were reversed -- if Lee had custody and saw no reason for her to maintain a relationship with her only grandchild. Lack of empathy, and poor judgment about Rachel's best interests, were the only substantive responses from either Patty or Nanny. Peter's negotiations with his twin sister became more heated, and Patty finally agreed to relent if we would release her from any liability! She sent a legal document that Peter had to sign in front of a notary, and then reluctantly agreed to our wishes that she take Rachel to Shirley. Living in Park Slope, Brooklyn, Patty was inconvenienced having to deliver Rachel to and from the Grand Street projects in lower Manhattan, where Shirley lived.

Rachel enjoyed a loving and memorable visit with Grandma Shirley.

An earlier visit with Grandma Shirley, when Rachel was three years old.

We never again asked Patty to host a visit from Rachel once it was clear that she didn't want to be bothered. On subsequent visits to NY, we didn't even contact Patty. Peter already held bitter feelings about his sister's inhospitable behavior from an earlier one night visit.

Naively, I continued to assume that my daughter's only biological aunt would behave in a warm, familial manner concerning her niece. But that behavior didn't begin until the end of Rachel's high school years, when Patty began to pay attention and pretend to care for Rachel for the purpose of eliminating me from Rachel's life. Based on their attitude about Shirley, I should have foreseen that Patty and Nanny would try to claim Rachel and remove me as soon as she was grown. I had served my purpose as caretaker. Neither love for Rachel, nor concern for her emotional fragility could stop them. They still work to undermine our family, even with Nanny's dementia.

Of course, I have been hurt by their destructive, narcissistic actions. But the true, profoundly unfortunate victim has been Rachel. It is widely known that encouraging parental alienation damages the children involved, but our situation was exacerbated because our child had been abandoned by her birth mother (then later, at age nine, by Peter's mom when she abruptly moved away over an imagined insult from Rachel). It took years of loving work with Rachel to help her to develop emotional trust. This was viciously destroyed by Patty and Nanny in their misguided, self-glorifying attempts to "save" Rachel from the harm that they tried to convince her that I wished to inflict. Such a pity for all involved.

This was never the case with Grandma Shirley. She always expressed her heartfelt gratitude that I had stepped in to care for Rachel. She gave me little presents with thank-you notes, and entrusted me with gifts for Rachel, including a garter she'd saved from her bridal business that is for Rachel's wedding. It will be a joyful tribute to Shirley when Rachel wears it at her nuptials. Shirley will always remain in our memories as the kind and loving Grandmother that she was, and she will be specially honored on the future day that Rachel is married.

Rest in peace, Shirley.

Renewing and Forging Bonds

The year 2011 has provided many rewarding moments with family and friends. In the winter and early spring months, we hosted quite a few distant guests from university and professional associations, along with Rachel, other family members, and regularly visiting pals.

When visitor season ended, I departed for a long planned trip to England with my pal Caroline. She and I spent four nights in London -- and walked many miles through the city -- then took a train to Bath where we stayed another four nights. After two days touring on foot in Bath, we rented a car to explore the Cotswolds, the Salisbury Plain, and the areas surrounding Bath as well as much of Cornwall. I drove over 700 kilometers that week. Caroline wanted to visit some of the sites from my 2006 pilgrimage, so I arranged access inside the stone circle at Stonehenge; we also spent time among the stones at Avebury, and in quite a few cathedrals. En route to Cornwall we detoured to spend about five hours in Glastonbury and climbed the Tor.

Carol and Caroline, in front of the Merlin Stone at Avebury

While in Bath, we frequented an Indian restaurant near our hotel -- and virtually the only restaurant that served food after 9 pm -- often enough that one of the servers became overly sentimental on our last night. It was surreal that the young Bangladeshi man was nearly weeping, but I assured him that I'd eaten there on an earlier visit, and would again when I return. We were building bonds even as tourist customers! Once in Cornwall, we stayed in a grand railroad hotel overlooking Fistral Beach for another three nights before driving back to Bath, dropping the car at Hertz, and taking a train back to London to fly home the next day.

After my return on May 26, it was time to prepare for a three week journey with Peter beginning June 8. While in Las Vegas for a ten days, I enjoyed seventh row center seats at the Paul McCartney concert (sitting close to Yoko and Sean Lennon, Olivia Harrison, George Martin, and Nancy Shevell with her son). Peter and I explored some of the region not too far from Las Vegas (Hoover Dam, Boulder City), but didn't drive to the Grand Canyon as planned, due to forest fires. For one day, Peter indulged me and we walked for miles along the strip to shop at high end designer boutiques in various casinos. We both loved this whisper light scarf from Alexander McQueen, so Peter bought it for our anniversary. Another day, we enjoyed a serendipitous rendezvous with Sheri, who was staying nearby for a professional conference. In addition to lunch and a few hours at the pool, Sheri spent quite a bit of time with us in the AllSaints boutique, discovering their unique, well-made, beautiful clothing for men and women, all very pricey.

After Peter "got his Vegas fix," we drove north through rural Nevada's vast desert (including Area 51 and Yucca Mountain) to my sister's home in the Carson Valley surrounded by the High Sierra. Peter and I were eager to meet and create new bonds with Madeline, our great-niece, during a week of celebrating her first birthday in and around Lake Tahoe. The venue was a partial family reunion, hosted by my sister Jill, and my brother Jim in Zephyr Cove, where we stayed. Maddy's parents, Amy and my nephew Kevin, were in from Arizona, and niece Shannon showed up from time to time. Extended family showed up for the birthday party, and it was great to see some of Jill's in-laws and old friends from Michigan again.

View of the lake from our bed at Jim's house

My nephew Adam also stayed at Jim's with his partner Melisa and their two year old son, Myles -- our great-nephew. We've had the opportunity to bond with Myles quite a few times in Hawaii, California, and Nevada, and it was delightful to spend time with him alone and with the entire family group again.

After a week in Tahoe, Peter and I flew to Cancun, then were shuttled down to Tulum where we stayed for three nights, exploring the town, its beaches, and nearby Mayan ruins. We stayed in a comfortable, clean, very simple inn in the pueblo itself. The contrast with our next destination, the Banyan Tree Mayakoba, was remarkable! There, Peter's friend Chuck hosted a sixtieth birthday bash for himself, and paid for about forty friends and a couple dozen family members to join him. We each had a private walled villa with our own swimming pool and outdoor covered bedroom, along with the fabulous indoor/outdoor suite. Zen and intimacy -- such luxury! Our four and five star resorts in Hawaii are put to shame by the Banyan Tree.

The best part, of course, was reuniting with old friends. Peter's childhood pals were there, along with quite a few from university days and business transactions. The shared gratitude was palpable: everyone appreciated coming together to celebrate with old friends. It was a genuinely sentimental gathering in a sensuous and luxurious setting.

Peter and I returned home on June 26th for a slight reprieve -- including Fourth of July fireworks at my favorite spot on the planet, Mauna Kea Beach.

On July 7, I departed for San Francisco, and the coastline north of Half Moon Bay, to attend another celebration -- this time for my best friend, Leslie. Leslie has moved to Amsterdam to live with her man. She kept her home at the coast, and her son is living there with his new wife. She and Reinier hosted a bash at a nearby hotel for about eighty friends and family -- to introduce Reinier to those who don't know him, to celebrate their love, additionally to celebrate her son's marriage a year earlier in Milan. Peter didn't want to travel so soon, but I was delighted to join a gathering of old friends and ohana. I am very close to Leslie's entire family, and spent enjoyable individual time with her extended family. Another warm event, filled with love.

Leslie, with her beautiful, new Dutch family.

On the 13th, I flew to JFK and was greeted by a double rainbow as soon as I got into the shuttle that would take me to the upper east side of Manhattan. There, I stayed for a week with our friend Margery and spent the time walking around Manhattan enjoying New York (fortunately there was a break in the oppressive weather) and renewing bonds with my friend Ayna, with whom I first connected during my 2006 pilgrimage in England. Also spent some time with Allison, daughter of my "best friend boy cousin" Russ. My primary reason for going to New York was to see the Alexander McQueen exhibit at the Met, and since Margery lives around the corner, that was very easy and leisurely -- and amazing! We also saw a couple of theatre productions, and on Bastille Day, we walked down to Lincoln Center to join the dancers at Midsummer Night's Swing. Saw a couple movies as well, ate wonderful food, and met several terrific women friends of Margery.

Now I've been home since July 20th, and must pack today for our next adventure. Peter and I are off to Kennebunkport for the wedding of our friends' daughter. This will be another reunion with the Cancun crowd (to be followed by an October reunion of eight of the guys and a few wives in Hawaii for the eleventh annual Belvoir Cup golf outing). Since we'll be on the east coast, I will take the opportunity to continue east to Amsterdam to spend a week with Leslie and Reinier, and meet more of Reinier's family and friends. From there, I will fly to East London, South Africa for nine days with good friends from Hawaii (who've moved there for work). We will go inland to camp for three days at Addo Elephant Park, and after we return, Susan and I will go on to the wine country outside of Cape Town, then two nights and nearly three days in Cape Town. Whew!

Departing Cape Town, I'll head to London for three days and nights, and will re-connect with Annie there. Also with Jonathan, no doubt. I've booked a tour of Buckingham Palace, and afternoon tea, and need to flesh out plans for the rest of my time (theatre, museums, ethnic food, shopping). But for now, I only have a couple days left at home and must pack for all the different events and climates!

A very good year, indeed! As soon as I return, visitors will begin to arrive for the winter season. Peter and I are very excited to host former employees of whom we're very fond, regular buddies, and family. I am so pleased with the content and rhythm of our lives, alternating travel with entertaining -- and continually connecting with those we love. What could be better?

Fifty-nine

Yikes! I can't believe that I officially am one year away from age sixty. No comprendo.

However, it was a fantastic birthday week. Three small parties were thrown to celebrate: one chez Tom and Caroline, another at Susan and Tom K's, and the third after Peter's tennis game on Monday at the seaside courts. On top of that, Ricky and Judy came for the week from San Diego, and we all trekked to Kona for dinner on Saturday (actual birthday) at La Bourgogne. Andrew also joined us. Unfortunately, it was our first disappointing meal there; we've dined there a few times each year since 2004. Two nights earlier, Andrew cooked a birthday feast to which we invited a few people. For the past ten days, I've been quite pampered. I am honored to have such caring and fabulous friends and family.

My favorite birthday card is from my first girl friend in Hawaii, Caroline:


I splurged on myself this year, and bought a dark brown leather De Manta clutch and a Gold Angels shawl from Alexander McQueen's final collection (on sale, of course). The shape of the clutch evokes that of the local manta rays; it's very special. Each is gorgeous, unique, and timeless -- and will be fun to wear during my upcoming trip to England and Cornwall with Caroline.

I received several thoughtful gifts from my friends, and Rachel sent me a book of poetry by Yehuda Amichai (for whom she named her Ukrainian cat). Peter's gifts included bath gel, gift cards, and -- best of all -- hiring a huge earth moving excavator to clear and level land on the lower slope makai (towards the ocean), in front of our lawn. Since 2006, I've envisioned creating a labyrinth there, and a bocce ball court adjacent to it. It may be five more years until they are installed, but the essential first step is complete.

Before:


After:


As we approach the Year of the Hare (or Rabbit), and Peter's sixtieth, I have to say that life is better than ever!

Gung Hay Fat Choy!

Seven Year Cycle

Various theories in several disciplines -- from scientific to esoteric -- subscribe to a view that our bodies and our "life experiences" undergo radical change every seven years.

Although I have not studied seven year patterns in my own life prior to this, I know that a devastating seven year cycle has come to an end. Hallelujah! There's actual joy and reason to celebrate this holiday season. The winter solstice promises a red full moon as part of tonight's lunar eclipse -- a significant and beneficial omen.

Hatred and divisiveness that were promulgated by Peter's sister and mother are part of a different universe now, never more to hurt our family. Nothing that they can do or say will affect us.

Peter, Rachel, and I have shared the transcripts of the past seven years, have reached a common understanding, and have renewed our family bond.

It's unfortunate that the malignant narcissists had to be jettisoned -- but they brought their fates upon themselves. Fortunately, I've made some of the finest friends of my life during the past seven years -- including Sheri, whose path crossed mine in 2006, and with whom I'll be connected always. As well, Peter and I have developed new "family" in Hawaii, and these cherished friends provide a true, loving ohana that enriches our lives more than Carol Klein or Patty Grossman ever could have done.

Here is a snap of Sheri, Rachel, and me at breakfast the morning after the Rally to Restore Sanity:

Love Day

July 1, 2010 is our day to celebrate love.

Need inspiration? Try reading some of Rumi’s work.

2010 will be a great year

It's spring in Hawaii -- lots of baby birds, flowers, and budding fruit around the property. I can tell that this year will be a good one!

Anna Akhmatova

Unfortunately, we didn't have time to visit the Akhmatova Museum, but her portrait at the Russian Museum is haunting.


Can you relate?

There's a secret border in human closeness,
that love's being, love's passion, cannot pass --
though lips are sealed together in sacred silence,
though hearts break in two with love's distress.

And friendship too is powerless,
and years of sublime flame-filled ecstasy
when the soul itself is free, fights clear,
of the slow languor of sensuality.

Those who try to reach that boundary are mad,
and those who have -- are filled with anguish.
Now you know, now you understand,
why my heart won't beat at your caress.

Reflecting

It's June -- where has the year gone?

I will continue to listen to my inner wisdom. I will continue to identify mistakes I have made. I will continue to learn and grow. I will increase my physical strength and agility, made easier because I now have almost perfect vision for the first time in my life! I will apply the advice that I used to give Rachel (perhaps too often), "we become what we practice," and will play bridge more often and with greater attention.

note: this photo of Puki at the edge of our pool was taken in March by my friend Sheri Kowalski. Seems like only yesterday ... ;-)

Today is Parental Alienation Awareness Day

Many countries, including the United States (and, individually, many of its states), are working to raise awareness of, and to prevent, parental alienation syndrome. They've designated April 25 as the annual day to educate ourselves to prevent this destructive behavior that some adults** choose to perpetrate against children.

Check out A Family's Heartbreak to learn more.

** I know of two; they are identified in earlier posts. Here's the most hateful of the two.

Yule Tide Cheer

The winter solstice, the festival of lights, and Christmas all come together each year to encourage us with symbolic renewal -- the birthday of the unconquered sun, the oil that sustained itself and continued burning until it could be replaced, the birth of the immortal son.



It's a natural time to celebrate warmly with friends and family, in the aloha spirit.

Links: Plants of the Winter Solstice
Photo of the Newgrange, Ireland Solstice

Narcissists

All narcissists have attachment problems. Narcissists are unable to parent in the loving, giving, selfless ways that are required to produce emotionally healthy children. Many adult children of narcissists find themselves unable to build healthy attachments, so the problem perpetuates. Narcissists always resent attachment when they encounter it; predictably, they attempt to weaken securely attached relationships that they observe between people close to them.

Ever unable to accept responsibility for problems they cause, narcissists invariably deflect blame to others -- repeatedly accusing them of anything that might stick, e.g., mental illness or projection.

This happens even when narcissists are presented with irrefutable evidence of their misdeeds. In narcissism, denial is an integral means to escape personal responsibility. Two recurring activities and attributes of this destructive and remorseless personality type predominate: schadenfreude and self-righteous denigration of others.

It's virtually impossible for narcissists to admit accountability for mistakes or ill-intended activities. Never expect an honest resolution to problems or issues with narcissists.

Craziness ricochets when dealing with narcissists -- that's how they're able to function. Sometimes it's called projective identification.

note: this post is dedicated to the malignant narcissists who attempted to destroy our family: Patty Grossman and Carol Z. Klein.

What I'm working on this week

Thanks to Ron Brezsny, I am determined to cultivate a desire to recognize and respond to the raw truth of each new moment.

It was twenty years ago today!

This faded photo of Peter and me was taken at Evelyn's Christmas party in San Francisco in 1988.

Recently, I scanned and "restored" this Polaroid image, after it was cut, scratched and torn in the October 15, 2006 earthquake. The above result was the best I could do; Polaroids don't hold up very well.

This month Peter and I celebrate our 21st Christmas together, our 4th year in our Hawaiian home (December 11), and our 4th wedding anniversary on December 29 -- the same day we toast 21-1/2 years together!

Christmas has always been *the* special holiday for me. During many of the early years of our partnership we struggled through Christmas; Peter's disdain for family traditions prevented him from relaxing, enjoying, and participating -- and often prompted sabotage. Poor Rachel was never allowed to experience the magic of the holidays.

Finally, after years of resisting, Peter now joins in and enjoys himself. He "gets" the traditions of family love, giving, sharing, and celebrating; now they are meaningful to him ... as long as he doesn't have to work too hard or shop very often!

The "gift" that came out of our 2003 family debacle is we've learned to strengthen our love by working together, instead of avoiding and complaining and blaming. It's the best gift ever.

Parental Alienation is Child Abuse

Parental Alienation is the most insidious form of child abuse

Parental Alienation is the name for a group of behaviors that damage children's mental and emotional well-being, and can interfere with a relationship of a child and either parent. These behaviors most often accompany high conflict marriages, separation or divorce.

These behaviors whether verbal or non-verbal, cause a child to be mentally manipulated or bullied into believing that a loving parent is the cause of all problems, and/or the enemy, to be feared, hated, disrespected and/or avoided.

Parental alienation deprives children of their right to be loved by and to show love for both of their parents. These destructive actions by the alienator (usually parent or relative) are considered a form of child abuse - as the alienating tactics used on the children are disturbing, confusing and often frightening, and rob children of their sense of security and safety. Parental alienation is manipulative and destructive, and ends up hurting and damaging the child.

Effects of parental alienation:

- - The alienated child is likely to exhibit symptoms which include anxiety, phobias, and social and educational difficulties. As adults, alienated children experience excessive guilt, sadness and depression as they begin to understand what they have lost, and how they have been used as weapons against the other parent.
- - The adult alienated child will recognize that his/her perceptions were molded by manipulative or self-interested person(s). Such manipulation causes these adult children to lose confidence in ability to trust others, and contributes to feelings of self loathing.
- - For the alienated parent, and the wider family, the effects of PA are worse than losing a child through death, and have been likened to a bereavement without an end. Every day is a new loss. Experiences, once lovingly shared, can never be retrieved. The parent is given a life sentence of overwhelming sadness. The family is ruptured.

How to identify an alienated child :

He or she has experienced the deterioration or loss of a parental relationship during, or after, a parental crisis or split. The child now professes a strong preference for one parent, while expressing blame, disrespect, dislike, contempt and hatred towards the other -- and often towards members of the other's extended family.

The reasons for these strong feelings are often illogical and frivolous, and often include false accusations. The child is adamant that the feelings he/she expresses are his or her own, while using exact phrases or vocabulary that were learned from his/her alienating parent or relatives.

Considering the profound symptoms of reactive attachment disorder (RAD) in some situations, parental alienation is a cruel sentence to impose on an already troubled, but innocent child. Children with attachment issues are prone to accept and act on alienating suggestions, and to exaggerate their anger and blaming. Typical RAD behavior predicts that victims will continue to embellish and worsen false accusations against the parent they have been encouraged to reject -- these false accusations cascade incredibly into "fish stories" that take on lives of their own.

Dean Ramsden says it this way, "Speaking for all of the victims out there (myself included) I ask for your deep compassion for the loss of our children, and to please help where you can in awakening society to the reality of this crime against human connection. Life, our parents, and all our relationships, are too important to be ground underfoot by the denial of the effects of parental alienation."

Encouraging parental alienation is the ultimate hate crime.

This post is dedicated to those who attempted to destroy our nuclear family: Patty Grossman, trained and abetted by Carol Klein. Both operated with Helene Kendler's irresponsibly unprofessional approbation.

What more can I say?

America's citizens have spoken, and we proved that America is still the beacon of liberty, equality, and hope for the rest of the world!

p.s. Watch Barack Obama's victory speech here if you need a dose of inspiration.

Photos from the wedding

Robb and Jaime didn't notice the companion that Peter and I brought to their wedding, but we had fun posing our Barack Obama action figure in several locations and settings around the reception ... especially during one of the speeches ;-)

Above all, we -- and all of the guests -- noticed the deep, genuine, caring and loving relationship shared by the beautiful bride and handsome groom.

Jaime and Robb

Jaime is my cousin Kate's daughter; technically she is my first cousin once removed. But she's always been my niece, and I'm her Aunt Carol. Her mom is my best girl cousin friend -- my life long, steadfast, wonderful, generous friend, Kate.

Jaime just married an exceptional man, Robb, on October 11, in a moving, lovely ceremony in Colorado.

Peter and I celebrated with them at their fabulous rehearsal dinner and lively wedding reception. They spent their Hawaiian honeymoon nearby at our condo. Last Thursday, they visited us at home. The photo is of the sunset we watched as we drank champagne together.

Happy New Year

I've asked for forgiveness, and look ahead to ten days of introspection.

Mabon

I enter the season of autumn with love and joy in my heart, knowing my life is blessed with abun­dance and glory. Our family tragedy has receded; embers glow where fires ravaged. Our love is renewed and strengthened; mutual appreciation grows.

At home, the change of season brings slightly cooler breezes in the evenings plus rising ocean levels, so that we sleep to the rhythm of crashing waves each night.

Peter and I will enjoy this autumn in Hawaii, San Francisco, Napa Valley, Lake Tahoe, and Boulder over the next few weeks, and in late October I will return to the mainland with Caroline to work for Barack Obama's election in Nevada, Michigan and Pennsylvania. After the election, I'll visit Ayna in NYC, Greg and Susan in D.C., then John and Lindy in Philadelphia.

On this autumn equinox, I dedicate myself with renewed attention to the healing and strengthening of my family, and to elect Barack Obama -- thus advancing the healing of our country and the world.